AntiVenom
by Angrbotha
Summary: Freya Callis- Pureblood. Slytherin. Closet Equal Rights Campaigner. Yup, life sure is easy for Freya and it's destined to get even better when she decides to save Regulus by fixing his relationship with Sirius.
1. For most of history

"Pain is inevitable but Suffering is optional" – Anon

Okay, so I'll admit I was wrong. None of them have changed over the summer. You'd think I'd know by now. My bad. I can't help it. I'm optimistic for a Slytherin. This might be the start of my seventh year, but I'll still hold out hope that one of them will grow a nice bone in their bodies.

Oh hang on, they're laughing. What did he say? Oh never mind, he probably just told a story of how he hexed someone. Cue laugh.

"haha"

Yup that sounded authentic.

So a small explanation is probably in order. I am Freya Callis. You've probably never even heard of a Callis before, I'll bet you've heard of the other branch of my family, the Blacks. I'm a cousin to Sirius and Regulus. Though obviously I only speak to Regulus, what with being in Slytherin and all.

Not that I'm a bad person, far from it actually. According to the Sorting Hat I'm incredible ambitious and that old hat is not wrong. I am ambitious. I want to change the world (for the better), and I don't care who I have to fight to do it.

Only... I don't ever voice my opinions or stick up for myself... or anyone else. So, maybe it's going to take some time, before I change the world, a very long time. Especially when all the Slytherins I'm just like them. Scrap that, everyone thinks I'm just a typical Slytherin. I get pushed into doing things I don't want to do. Peer Pressure. Yup... peer pressure, and the fact that I don't have back bone. I really do not want to get beaten to a pulp, just because I actually like people. So that's my little secret.

Oh, now my "comrades" are looking at me.

"Earth to Freya, are you paying attention." Snaps Kelley Riches, whilst waving a hand in front of my face.

"I am now. You know what I'm like when I'm tired." Cue fake yawn. Oh, please just let me escape to my bed. Let me escape.

"Yeah, yeah. You always zone out when you're tired." She waves her hand dismissively and I take it as my cue to leave. Thank Merlin I escaped.

oooOOOooo

Everyone always talks about how comfy these Hogwarts beds are. I must have the only bed in the whole castle that has a dodgy spring. Right in the middle of where my back is. Blast my luck.

I defiantly cannot sleep like this. Well, while I can't sleep, I should probably describe what I look like. There's not really much to describe. I've just turned 17, I'm about 5ft6", average weight and plain looking. I look like my Mother. Short (well shoulder length really) choppy brown hair and normal blue eyes. Average looking and that's the way I like it, people tend not to notice me too much. That's a handy talent if you don't like to be noticed.

Well, that's me and I still can't sleep. I'm not going to bother describing my friends, purely because they do not really exist. These other Slytherins are just background characters. I suppose at an absolute push I could call Severus a friend. Though, really he is just someone I hang around so I don't look to lonely. I think the feelings mutual too, since he never asks me to leave... just never talks. Not really at least.

Oh Blast, if I balance really carefully of the edge like this and hold on for dear life, I might just be able to avoid the spring and sleep.

oooOOOooo

Yay, I got two hours sleep and I get to start my day with double potions. Oh joy for me. Potions is dull, very very dull. I am quite good at it, I just never wanted to do it. My parents thought that it might be a good idea, because (and I quote) "It's quite like cooking." Cooking! Can you believe it, not even out of Hogwarts yet and they're trying to turn me into the perfect housewife, like my mum. Though she never cooks or cleans. That's what the house elf is for. Blast.

Huh, well would you look at that, I have potions with Sirius again this year. Along with all his friends. I was so hoping we would have Potions with the Ravenclaws. Sirius and his bunch do not like me much. This is understandable really, they're Gryffindors and I'm a Slytherin, it's the way things are.

I wish Sirius would talk to me again. Before Hogwarts we were the best of friends. The three of us ( I am counting Regulus as well) hardly ever spent a moment away from each other. I miss him.

Okay, just take a deep breath, walk past him and stand on the other side of the door, far far away from him, and hope Prof. Slughorn arrives quickly.

"Oi, Snivellus!"

And now it begins.

Looking up, I see Severus Snape walking down the steps toward us, while James and Sirius move to block his path. Okay, just close my eyes and pray that the Prof arrives before James whips his wand out (which we all should know, he is very prone to doing).

The potions lab door opens.

Oh, praise be to Merlin! I could hug Prof Slughorn. I wouldn't though. Nope. Not ever. Not for a 1000 Galleons.

Right, I'll just take a front bench and I won't have to look at Sirius this year. Walking to the front I grab Severus' robe sleeve and drag him with me. Hey, if I just have to do potions, might as well have a potions genius sitting with me.

Erm... Okay, front bench was a bad idea. Sirius and James are right behind me. Now Severus is glaring at me out of the corner of one eye. Though I may be impressed how he can do that, I still have to blast me luck.

Prof Slughorn starts parading around in front of the class. "Right, now students I would launch in to a long speech about your NEWTs, but instead, how about a little competition to start of the new year."

Everyone in the class perks up a bit and begins whispering amongst themselves. Prof Slughorn does this quite often and the rewards are always worth the trouble. Though I have not personally won, ever. Even on that rare occasion when Severus and Lily Evans were off sick.

Leaning towards Severus I whisper, "So, do you think you can win this one?"

Severus smirks, "Sure no matter what it is, I'll more than likely nail it. It's almost a shame that I won't be helping you. Almost."

"Aww!" I whined, "That's just mean spirited."

"Miss Callis if you would kindly allow me to continue." Prof Slughorn gives me a pointed look, and I can hear Severus stifle a laugh. "At the front of the room there are three potions, you are to come up in rows and inspect them. Once you've come to a decision as to what they are, go back to your seats, write it down on a parchment and... Attempt to make one of them. Now I feel I must warn you they are very advanced potions." The Prof looks around the room with a smug expression.

"Huh, this old game again." Says Severus with a lazy drawl, one that is reserved for when he's bored. So I encounter it a lot.

Smiling I jump from my stool and go to inspect the potions with Severus close behind. "Oh, you felt the need to actually get up and inspect the potions? They really must be something." Severus just scoffs.

Ooo... this one smells nice, "umm... old books... ginger and orange... and... forests?"

Severus shots me a odd look, "You know that's Amortentia right? You might like to keep your voice down about what you smell. And seriously Fray, old books?" He says the last bit with a crooked grin. I just stick out my tongue. That's a good reply.

"SeeeEEeeev, I'm confused... Do I stir this left or right?" Pleading always works with Severus. Ha, did you catch the sarcasm there?

"Aww, poor ickle Freya doesn't know left from right"

I turn around to see Sirius smirking at me, "Shut it Sirius." Okay, maybe that's not a great, quick witted response, but who cares.

Sighing I turn back to my work. Yup, this lesson is defiantly going to be the bane of my life.

oooOOOooo

That first day of lessons was dull. So incredibly dull, though Hogwarts always is for me. You just move from one lesson to another, keep your head down and no one pays attention.

Oh, wait, there was that few minutes between lessons where I very nearly stood up for some Hufflepuff. She was being harassed by a Slytherin, and then I noticed said Slytherin was in my year so I decided against it. It happens a lot. I get so close to actually helping someone then I chicken out. Then I'm racked with guilt afterwards, it's even worse on those rare occasions when I'm intimidated to actually joining the Slytherins in their "game". I actually cried afterwards. Yeah, you read right, cried. I'm slightly ashamed.

The only other thing I am ashamed of is the fact that I don't have the same kind of strength as Sirius. If I did then... well then maybe I would have been placed in Gryffindor too.

_My life seems to be full of "ifs" and "maybes"._

_oooOOOooo_

_If I keep my mouth full of food then no one can expect me to talk. Ha-ha. Excellent plan._

"Ah, yes. Father did mention something about that before I left. They are actually planning to cut the Centaur land in the south east by 50%."

Right, now I know what you're thinking, "It's not polite to eaves drop Freya". And you're right, but these Slytherins all have family in high positions, so, they all have inside information. "Why do you need inside information?" I hear you cry.

Well, it's another secret of mine. I'm an avid Equal Rights campaigner, at heart at least.

Yes, yes, a Slytherin who WANTS everyone to be equal. Odd I know, you're probably questioning why I was even put in Slytherin. Well, as I have already said, I am really ambitious. Really really ambitious. Changing the world, now that's a dream and one I hope to keep to.

I know that I never do anything at Hogwarts, never express any opinions never help anyone, even I question whether I will manage my goal, but there's one thing that keeps me going.

Letters.

Ever since 4th year I have been writing letters. To the Daily Prophet. I say letters; they're more opinionated essays attempting to expose the lies and racism that are inherent in the Ministry and its policies. My letters actually get published! I write about once a month and my letters get put in their own column, it's really quite an honor. The column is titled Ministerial Anti-Venom, after the heading of my first letter.

Though I am very proud of my own column, I have never signed with my own name. That would be classed as suicide I think. It's all anonymous. I do sign it with something, . I picked that name after reading a book I found in the Muggle section of the library. She was an early 1900's Muggle rebel, fighting for the right for women to vote. An idol, or as close as I can get to one. She had the courage to do a lot more than just write letters.

But those letters are the only thing in my life that I am actually proud of.

"Aren't you going to join them Fray?" Asked Severus, snapping me out of my reflection. "They're trying to figure out who this Pankhurst is, it has to be some one prominent in the Ministry to have all the information He has."

He has, of course a Slytherin would never assume that a woman, a lowly woman, would ever hold such opinions.

"Does that matter? Do they really think that it will stop the letters if the person is known?"

Severus pondered this a second, taking another bite of his dessert, "They believe that this person has something to hide. They, or in actuality their parents, might be able to use it to quiet this Pankhurst. Though they might just decide to use their usual method of kill or torture."

I don't think I will ever get used to someone so casually using the words kill and torture in a conversation. To be honest I don't think I want to get used to it yet.

"Sev, don't you see how the people react when one of those letters are published? Even if they do manage to silence Pankhurst, there'll be any number of people to replace them." I quickly shovel ice cream in my mouth, so I don't say much more. I'm always so paranoid that someone will figure me out. Though I would kind of like to see the looks on every ones faces when they find out Pankhurst is a Slytherin, a female Slytherin, campaigning for equal rights.

oooOOOooo

Damn this bed spring! That is it, tomorrow I will complain to Prof Slughorn. Definitely. If I can remember.

Gathering my things, I sneak past the other girls and down the stairs to sleep on one of the common room couches. On the last step I look up to see a dark figure leaning over the fire.

"Regulus?"

The figure turned slightly to give me a small nod. Taking the couch close to the fire, I wrap the blanket around myself.

"Regulus? Are you okay?"

He sat down crossed legged and lent back on his arms, still staring at the fire, giving me only a profile view.

"I've just... I've just been thinking." Small hints of worry began to appear on his face; even the shadows caused by the fire and his hair couldn't hide them. I knew where this was heading. The Dark Lord had been far more active over the summer holidays. Both of our parents had taken it upon themselves to push His views on us. It wasn't all that bad for me. All they really expect from me is to marry a nice Pureblood Slytherin and have lots of sons. I know it was worse for Regulus. They flat out stated that he should join the Dark Lord.

Poor Regulus tries so hard to make up for his brothers "treachery", that he would do anything for his parents. Even if it is to go as far as joining the Dark Lord.

I don't think Regulus would ever think the same as me, at least I have never seen any sign of it from him. I think Regulus would rather stay neutral, though he isn't really given a choice in anything.

We've never spoken about these things, but when you spend all your time staying out of conversations, you end up with more time just listening and watching. You learn a lot about a person that way. It's dangerous, even at Hogwarts it's dangerous to voice negative opinions about the Dark Lord, but you can still learn what people are really thinking by watching them.

"'bout anything in particular Reg?" I questioned. This is where he says he's worried about starting NEWTs and we pretend it's true.

"Parents, school, the Dark Lord... Sirius." He spoke the last word so quietly that I don't think I was supposed to hear it, I should just feign innocence. This is defiantly not going the way I thought.

"I guess... it's really such an honor for you. The Dark Lord so willing to accept you I mean." I cringed the whole time he said, thankful that he couldn't see, but hoping it wasn't prevalent in my voice.

"Yeah, you would think so but-"

"Reg! Don't finish that!" When he began to speak I dived down next to him and placed my hand over his mouth. "It's too dangerous. You can't say or do anything to get you noticed." My voice changed to a hurried whisper.

Regulus slapped my hand away and held it to the ground in between us. He turns to look at me directly for the first time; I had to stifle a gasp. His look, his eyes, they were so cold, so determined his usually stormy eyes seem frozen. "It doesn't matter what I say or what I think Fray. I know that I need to correct Sirius' dishonor. If joining the Dark lord will do that... If joining the Dark Lord will make my parents really notice me. Then I will give over my soul to him." Regulus sighs and looks away for a brief second, loosening his death tight grip on my hand slightly, "Sirius is acting like a child. Thinking he can have everything his way. Ignoring the fact that people have to suffer for the choices he makes.... he gets to choose... And Fray, I'll be fine; you're the one that needs to worry. You never seem to join the others in anything, you always seem so uncomfortable around them. You've never shown any interest in any of the male Purebloods. After Sirius, any one with the name Black is automatically under suspicion. You're the one who needs to watch themselves Fray." And with that he let go of my hand and headed up to the boys dormitory, leaving me there, slightly in shock.

_Okay breathe Fray. Just get up, sit back on the couch and try and sleep the shock off_.

He hadn't actually said it, but he knew. He knew what I really thought, what I really feel about all this. Am I that obvious? If so I need to try harder to hide... to blend in. I need to concentrate on being a real Slytherin.

And Regulus, he flat out stated it. He is going to join the Dark Lord.

I'm sure the room just got colder. Biting my lip, a purely nervous gesture, I pull the blanket closer around me.

I can't let Regulus join Him. I just can't let Reg throw away his live like that.

He did sound somewhat bitter about Sirius, jealousy maybe? If that's true then maybe I can find a way of helping him by talking to Sirius. Yup, that'll work. All I would have to do is convince Sirius to talk to me (after years of being ignored by him), after getting him alone. Then tell him he needs to talk to his estranged brother, "It's a matter of live and death! But I can't tell you what exactly". Oh yeah that's a brilliant plan, it will defiantly work.

Need a better plan.

There is no way I will be able to sleep now, far to stressed.

You know your life has hit a low point when to relax, you write a letter about Centaur Land rights

**A/N: Okay so thanks for reading the first chapter~! Please feel free to leave reviews~! and I promise that it will get far more interesting~**


	2. Actions

"**Actions lie louder than words."**

It is amazing how time flies when you really wish it would not.

It is now Halloween and the Slytherins are having their annual party. Though this year I dare not miss it, after Regulus' warning. So here I am, hiding out in the corner of the common room with Severus. He does not say anything. Ever. That is why I like him; there are no awkward silences with Severus, just awkward conversation.

_Oh no, he has that look. That I-have-something-that-may-be-important-to-say-and-you're-not-going-to-like-it look._

"Just spit it out Sev, I promise not to hate you too much." I say whilst glancing around the room.

He gives a small chuckle, "Am I that obvious? I just thought you might like to know what I overheard the other day." A small smile plays on his lips, while he stares off into the crowd.

_Do not ask. Do not ask. Do not play his game._

I twirl my wine glass in my hands. Okay so maybe I really want to know, "don't be mean Sev and make me ask" I say with mock anger.

"Well you're really not going to like this, but I figured you should at least have a warning. It is about Havelock Mosley." He actually sounds very serious, "People are starting to wonder when you're going to act like a real Slytherin, and well, Havelock has taken quite a liking to you."

"And how are those points connected exactly?" I ask, while I have a fairly good idea how.

Severus sighs, "You know if you turn him down it could cause some serious problems. Apparently he is a very desirable pureblood." He says the last bit with an eye roll.

Biting my bottom lip I scan the room. Finally spotting the offending Slytherin lounging in an arm chair, with a group of people around, eagerly hanging on to every word of his predictable story. He is defiantly not a bad looking guy, with short neat blonde hair and green eyes. Though some how his arrogance seeps into his looks. Not my type.

Though, I too have heard the whispers lately. Now Regulus has solidified his position, eyes have turned to me. I do not think that Regulus has joined the Dark lord yet, but it appears widely accepted that he will. Now I just need a new way to hide, and Severus may have just offered a rather drastic way of doing so. What better way to hide than on the arm of someone in high favour. I am despicable, am I not? Stooping so low just to protect myself.

It might seem odd, but there is a hierarchy in Slytherin house. It is a smaller version of the Pureblood hierarchy outside the castle walls. Whatever happens in this dungeon gets back to the families. If I continue to stick out here, it will get back to my parents and then life will get rather difficult at home.

"Inner monologues again Freya?" asks Severus, "You've been staring at Havelock for a while, you might like to look away before he notices."

Blushing I nod and continue to look around the room. After a few seconds I notice Severus has left my side, and Havelock is making his way over. Who needs enemies when you have friends like him!

_Right, this is it Freya! Act cute, not disgusted. If he tried anything with you, go with it. This is the perfect opportunity for a new mask._

Havelock stops a few inches in front of me, placing a hand on the wall next to my face and blocking my few of common room with his body.

"I rather like you Freya and I know it can be hard to resist someone like me, so why don't we dismiss with the formalities of courtship."

I try not to let the surprise at the forwardness show on my face, while I am wishing it was possible for someone to die from conceit.

He places his hand under my chin, "And, I think your parents would be pleased with me as your choice." He does not even bother trying to hide the threat in his voice.

This is a pureblood game, and I am obligated to play along, "I suppose I can see your point." Okay, so that may not have been very eloquent. He lets go of my chin and moves his hand to my waist, with a disgusting shark grin. He moves closer so I can feel his breath on my lips.

Should I not be feeling something right now? I might not like this guy, but this is the closet I have ever been to a male, yet I feel so numb.

His lips brush mine and he moves his body right against me. He does not waste time. I wish I could say that he is just incredibly attracted to me, but that is not it. Like I said, this is a pureblood game. It is all about dominance. Marking his territory.

And that is how I ended up spending the night, in a dark corner, making out with a guy I cannot stand. The only thing that makes it even marginally better, is knowing that it is practically a teenage rite of passage.

oooOOOooo

I cannot help but thank Merlin that today is the start of the half term break. After last night, well, I think I need some time to adjust to my new relationship status. Alone. So I am staying at Hogwarts, though Havelock did invite me to his parents' house last night. But I have… erm… things to do, which can only be done at Hogwarts.

That is not completely a lie. I have decided that this is the week. The week I speak to Sirius. It is perfect; there is practically no one here, and most importantly hardly any Slytherins to catch me.

Rolling over in bed I catch sight of the clock. 12:45.

Oh blast! I missed breakfast and nearly lunch, but at least everyone has left already.

Rushing down into the common room, I knock into someone at the bottom of the stairs, we both all to the ground.

"Ow, oh Freya. Nice of you to join the realm of the living."

Blushing, I look up the chest of the person I landed on and catch Severus' sneer.

"Oh yeah, guess I got to bed kind of late last night." I push myself up, off of him and offer a hand.

"I don't suppose that had anything to do with Havelock, did it?" He smirks, "it's okay Fray, it's a good move on your part. He is far to full of himself to realise that you're not really that interested."

Sighing I turn to leave the dungeon, "Come on Sev, I'm starving."

Sitting at the Slytherin table, I keep sneaking glances at the Gryffindor side of the Hall. Sirius looks to be telling an amusing story to his friends. Sighing I reach for another sausage.

"What's Sirius done now?"

Looking up in surprise all I can manage is "Huh?"

"You're hopeless Fray, not at all subtle or good at lying" mutters Severus between bites.

_Ha! Shows what you know Severus. Have you figured out who is? Nope, and she's your best/only friend!_

"Oh, it's nothing, just thinking." Trying to act nonchalant is difficult.

"And thinking means staring at Sirius?"

"Just drop it Sev! Please."

I really need to talk to Sirius. The more I try to tell myself that I do not need to talk to him, the more reasons I find to do so. I really think he can help… I mean it is not as if I really miss him, as if, all this time I have just been looking for any half decent excuse to talk to him. I really do just want to help Regulus, but maybe, I want to help myself as well.

It is just very difficult to catch Sirius by himself. That guy is never alone, even if James can bare to tear himself away, it is only so Sirius can 'charm and conquer' another young girl. And it is not as if I can ask any one for help. Oh yeah, I can just imagine what Severus would do if I asked him. I would really have to hope that he died of a heart attack before he killed me.

It might just be easier to bind and gag Regulus, then hid him in one of the many broom closets for the rest of his life.

oooOOOooo

Well that is another week gone. Nothing accomplished, nothing gained.

Though I did learn that when you manage to find Sirius on his own, and you try to approach him, he will glare. He will glare you into submission, then when you turn to leave, his friends will sneak up behind you and cover you in some green, and foul smelling.

That was a very valuable lesson.

Severus seems to think it is his life mission to drag me down all the time. He has reminded me that Havelock comes back tomorrow. I am already beginning to regret what I did. I think I should have spent more time thinking it over. It was slightly drastic. I just have to hope no longer being under suspicion is worth it.

It starts to get dark and the common room fire jumps to life. I slouch down onto the desk that I am writing at. I am writing to the Prophet again, while Severus pours over his potions book, making his notes as usual. It is okay to write in front of Severus, he never looks. I think he just assumes I am too thick to be writing anything of any importance. I suppose I should be grateful for his studious arrogance.

"I'mma go to owlery now, I'll see you in the morning Sev." I jump up, shoving my books into a bag and folding the letter into my cloak pocket.

"You know it's after curfew right?" He warns without looking up.

I roll my eyes, "Yes I know, but I'll be careful Dad."

He just huffs in response.

oooOOOooo

Okay, so running around the castle at night in the dark was a… what's that word? Oh yeah, a bad idea. I cannot use my wand for light, else a teacher/prefect will find me, and I am not the most balanced person even when I can see where I am treading. Even without my wand, there have been a few near misses, thank Merlin for dark corners and my rather diminutive stature. I should not have procrastinated in writing that letter.

Dashing the last bit of corridor, before the steps to the owlery I hear footsteps.

"Who ever is there, do not move." Blue light appears around a corner, following the unknown males voice.

I spin on my heel and rush to the nearest empty room. Hiding behind the door wand in hand, ready to Oblivate whoever comes in. Just as long as it is not a teacher.

I hear a sigh from where I was standing before, "I thought I said not to move."

I risk peeking through the door window, watching a faintly lit figure pick something up of the ground.

_Oh Merlin no!_

I pat down my cloak pockets to find them empty. The letter had fallen out of my pocket when I spun around. I risk peeking again, the figure has my letter in hand, waving the wand round to scan the area.

Remus Lupin.

Yeah, that was definitely Remus Lupin. I managed to get a quick look as the light passed his head. Some has definitely cursed my luck. Not only has some one found my letter and in a rather predictable twist of fate, that someone is my cousin's friend. I glance around the room, looking for some way out of this mess. He is reading the letter, I know he is.

"If you're still around, it's okay. I'll go post your letter."

What? Too shocked to move, I just listen as I hear his footsteps disappear up the stairs.


	3. Men are not prisoners

"**Men are not Prisoners of Fate, but only prisoners of their own minds."**

_If I eat I'll be sick._

Those are nice thoughts to have at breakfast.

My wonderful, perfect boyfriend (do I sound convincing?) Havelock is back and insists I sit with him. Mainly so he can gloat to someone who is obligated to listen i.e. me. I have no idea what he is talking about, all I can think is 'what do I do?'.

Remus did post my letter, though it only made it into today's edition. I suppose Werewolf rights are quite a hot topic and it took the editors the whole weekend to decide whether to publish it or not. The problem I have is that Remus would in no doubt be trying to figure out who Pankhurst is. How do I know this? Well I suppose that I do not really; it is probably just paranoia, so now I will have to be about ten times as careful as before. Just have to thank Merlin that classes start again today to take my mind off of things.

oooOOOooo

Regulus has been acting strange all week. He has been skipping classes, though I only know that since Prof. Slughorn asked me if everything was alright with Regulus. He has also been causing more trouble than usual, trouble being bullying 'mud bloods'. In any other Slytherin I suppose it would normally be a concern for me, but with Regulus I have all these memories, when the three of us were close. They were both so loving; they had a lot of patience and time for me and each other.

_Things have changed so much._

It is sort of amusing to think that our family problems started with a thousand year old hat. It is just a hat. Muggle magicians pull rabbits from hats. Godric Gryffindors hat causes family feuds. Maybe Godric was not a rabbit kind of guy. This train of thought is not getting me very far. Plus, I think Prof. Carpenter (DADA Prof) is asking me a question.

"Erm…"

Prof. Carpenter just smiles, "I'll repeat that shall I? What is a Nemean Lion, and how would you recognise one?"

_All praise be to Rincewind! I know this one!_

"It's a brother to the sphinx, sir. It looks identical, apart from appearing redder; also it's far more aggressive and doesn't ask riddles."

The Prof. looks slightly crestfallen, I guess he wanted to catch me out. It is the usual trick of teachers.

"Lucky guess" It was only a muttered whisper, but I heard it and recognised the voice. I need to stop sitting in places where Sirius can sit behind me.

"Maybe if you spent less time thinking about Havelock, you wouldn't look so stupid and the Prof wouldn't ask you any questions."

"You're losing your touch Sirius, I wasn't thinking about Havelock." I am not sure if he heard me, as it was quickly spat over my shoulder to him.

"Ha! I wonder what Havelock would say if he heard that. I mean, after yesterdays… performance…" He trails off at the end, but I could hear the sneer in his voice. I just wince.

Yesterday, I forgot about that, or at least tried to block it from my memory. He may have over reacted and caused a slight scene outside of the great hall at breakfast. All I did was move to walk with Severus so I could get some homework help. That did not seem to be such a bad thing, apparently I was mistaken. Havelock took it upon himself to cause a slight scene and reestablish his dominance. He may have shouted a bit at me, and grabbed my arm to pull me with him. He actually managed to bruise my arm.

_I wonder if he'll get bored with me and end it. I hope so._

oooOOOooo

I quite like the common room, usually at least. I like sitting in a corner day dreaming the evening away. This evening however I get to sit with Havelock, Joy. He… well, he suffers from 'wanderinghanditis'. He does not really appreciate it if I bat his hand away. Severus keeps shooting me looks that might be interpreted as 'concerned'. It is all ways hard to tell with him. Though Regulus keeps smirking at me, I cannot help but wonder if he enjoys seeing me uncomfortable like this. As if this puts us in the same boat, so he is not alone.

"Freya I am warning you, stop pushing me away." I never knew it was possible for someone to put so much venom into a whisper. We are sitting on a couch, he has one arm around my shoulder gripping my arm, and his other hand is on my knee. Again. Kissing he tries to slide his hand up my leg, I push his had away and he nearly growls.

_This is not good! I need to get out of here, quick._

I quickly jump up, "I'll be off to bed now, early start tomorrow." I spin on my heel hoping to make it to the dormitory stairs before Havelock catches me. No luck it seems. He grabs my wrist and pushes me against the wall, just to the side of the stairs.

_Damn, I nearly made it._

He leans in, hiding me from view. Making it look as if we are just two lovers, locked in an embrace before being parted.

"I will not tolerate this attitude Freya." His voice is cold and hard as he whispers in my ear. He is stilling gripping my wrist, hard enough to hurt. His other hand is on my waist.

_He is going to test me. Give me one more chance before he does something to really hurt me._

His hand is travelling lower again, but this time he is not kissing me. Just staring, taunting.

oooOOOooo

I practically run out of the Slytherin common room when Havelock was done with me. Though not heading for the dormitory. A classroom, any classroom will do. The fact that it is past curfew is the least of my worries right now. I want to cry.

I hate every part of the society to which I belong. The discrimination, the pain the people cause, the games they play. Right now, I especially hate the games. How they need to impose their dominance.

Finding an empty classroom, as far from the Slytherin dungeon as possible, I collapse against a wall in the darkest corner.

_Deep breathes, just take some deep breathes._

I cannot keep the image of him touching me out of my head. I hate how he feels. I feel like some kind of toy. No not a toy. Prey. The way he looks at me, the way he taunts me. I feel like a mouse frozen by a snakes stare, going cold and numb waiting for the strike to come that will end it. But it does not come. He did not do anything. He was just toying with me, trying to scare me.

I should have guessed he would not have done anything. No respectable Pureblood would do anything degrading as that and he should not need to. I should be willing to succumb; he was reminding me of that.

But I was so afraid. Giving in to him… it is linked too closely to giving in to the Pureblood way of life. To the way of life the Dark Lord would have us lead. I do not want that. I want to be me.

Running my hands through my hair, I take another deep breath, trying to stop the tears.

_I'm so pathetic._

Suddenly, I spot a light out of the corner of my eye, a faint blue light coming from under the classroom door.

_Great, someone is coming up the corridor and I bet it is Remus too, that would be just my luck._

I look around frantically for a place to hide, spotting a supply cupboard. Cupboards are great, the only problem is, there is only one way in or out. I quickly crawl over to the cupboard and slide in. And with all predictability, the person enters the class room, their footsteps stopping short of the cupboard.

"Freya, you might as well come out."

Sirius.

I hesitate before reaching for the handle.

"Just get out! I'm not going to tell a teacher or prefect." He snaps, though I am sure I hear a sigh after.

I step out slowly, shutting the door behind me, trying very hard to avoid looking at him.

He's alone!

My heart starts racing. This is great. He is alone; this is the chance I have been waiting for. All thoughts of what had occurred leave my mind as I ready myself. Taking a deep breath I look up, ready to spill everything I have been dying to tell him.

_Okay, that was a mistake, he's glaring._

"You know, I really should inform someone." He says, with practically no emotion at all.

"You'd only implicate yourself." I think I failed at mimicking his tone.

"Not if I tell Remus"

"Oh, you just have an answer for everything don't you!" I wince as the words jump from my mouth, with more force than I intended. He just huffs and turns to leave. Acting on impulse I rush forward and grab his shirt sleeve.

"Please Sirius. Just stay a minute. I… I have some things I want to say." I look at the floor the whole time, as the tears are threatening to start up again.

Sirius spins around quickly, breaking my grip on his sleeve and grabbing my shoulders. "What on earth gave you the idea that I would **think** of listening to anything you have to say!" He lets go of me, heading for the door again.

"How'd you do it Sirius?" Now I really am crying, half chocking on the words that are stumbling from my mouth, "How did you find the strength to defy them? To actually choose your own direction for your life?"

Sirius stops, his hand on the door handle and answers without turning around, "What?"

"Well, do you really think you're the only one who is different? Don't you ever wonder if Regulus or I are the same?" Now the tears are flowing hard and fast and I am practically shouting at him, "Did you ever stop to think, how what you did affected Regulus? Or I even? Our families have been hell! School has been worse! I've been doing things I despise, so I can hide how I really feel. Regulus is off selling his soul and… and I miss you Sirius."

The room stays quiet; the only sound is my ragged breathing.

Sirius stands up straighter, still not looking at me, "I won't fall for your lies or your fake tears. You're nothing but a filthy Slytherin. I don't care for you; I definitely don't care about Regulus. Why don't you just run back to your Pureblood boyfriend and make the Dark Lord proud by having plenty of Deatheater children."

oooOOOooo

The sun is rising now, Sirius left quite some time ago. I just could not bring myself to go back to the Slytherin dungeon; I spent most of the just crying in a corner. I do feel oddly relieved though, kind of like a weight has been taken of my chest. I was finally able to speak to Sirius.

On the other hand, what is left is… this crushing void feeling. Like I am standing on the edge of a cliff, and looking down I cannot see the bottom. Feeling free and yet doomed, like everything is going to crash around me.

Sighing to myself I push up off the ground.

Might as well go wait in the Great Hall, if I finish breakfast before everyone else I can avoid my house 'friends'.

Nearing the Great Hall, I hear voices coming from the stairs I just descended.

"Aww come on Padfoot, why so glum?" Padfoot? That was definitely James Potter's voice.

"It's… It's nothing Prongs, I just didn't sleep very well is all." And that was definitely Sirius.

I quickly move to hide in an alcove, behind a suit of armor so they do not spot me as they pass.

"Well you're no fun today!" I smile as I can hear the pout in James' voice, "What about you Moony?"

Moony? They really need to rethink the whole nickname thing.

"What about me? I slept fine thank you." So Moony is Remus.

A sigh, I can only assume that it is James. They pass me and near the Great Hall.

"I heard you and Lily in the common room last night, discussing that Pankhurst person. You're still trying to figure that one out?"

Now its Remus' turn to sigh, "I can't help but be curious, you have to see where I am coming from. I mean, they are campaigning for…" They moved into the Great Hall and I could not hear the rest of their conversation.

My heart pounds so hard it hurts.

I had forgotten about that incident with Remus. He is trying to figure it out and he had roped Lily into helping.

_This is not good._

After the night I have had, I do not think I can cope with this. I decide just to go back the Slytherin dungeon and spend the whole day in bed. Lessons can wait till tomorrow.


	4. Our doubts

"**Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we might oft win."**

Afternoon Potion lessons seem to drag on forever. Actually, Potions at any time of day seem to drag.

_I'm mixing a potion with Remus Lupin._

Yes… Remus Lupin.

You see, today we are mixing a particularly difficult potion and so were paired off to make it. We were originally paired with the person sitting next to us. I thought I had an easy lesson, Severus always takes over with the potion making and I get to sit back and make notes.

However, after we had all prepared the bases we were about to add the first ingredient when –BANG-. Everyone in the class spun around to look at the source of the explosion.

Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew were covered head to toe in a weird blue goo. They had managed to screw up on the potion with only one ingredient and the base. Prof. Slughorn was laughing too hard to tell them off. Needless to say they were split up.

Severus was paired with Peter and I was paired with Remus. Neither Severus nor I enjoyed that arrangement too much.

Remus sets his things down at my table and grins at me sheepishly. "I'm sorry about this."

I just shake my head, "Do… do you want to take notes and I'll mix?"

"Please, that would be great." He sighs with relief.

_Guess potions isn't his strong point._

The first 15 minutes were spent in a very uncomfortable silence.

_Come on Freya! He's sitting right there, just make a little conversation. If he's figured out Pankhurst is you he might say something! Or at least hint at it!_

Deep breath, "Erm… H-how did you manage to get it wrong on one ingredient?" Quickly adding, "I don't mean to be rude! Just curious." I am leaning over the cauldron as a talk, so I do not have to look at him, but I sneak a peek at him through my fringe.

_He's blushing?_

"Well… I got confused… between those two herbs, I mean they look the same. And those were strange amounts… got confused there too." How fast he's speaking betrays how embarrassed he is.

I turn my head slightly and offer a small smile, he seems to relax a bit.

"Do you want me to take over on stirring for a while? Your arms must be aching a bit." He gets up ready to take over.

"Err…erm… well…" Gah! Think brain, think. It has never been this hard to formulate a sentence before.

He just laughs softly at my hesitation, "It's okay, and even I can't get stirring wrong. Though I wouldn't say that for Peter." I just nod. I obviously cannot trust myself to talk.

I busy myself making notes when I spot Remus frowning at my work.

"D-did I spell it wrong?"

He quickly looks up and holds my gaze for a few seconds, with an incomprehensible look.

_Oh Circe…_

"It's nothing really."

For the rest of the lesson I stay in charge of the potion. We do not really talk unless he asks something about a specific ingredient, but I keep catching him looking at me with a quizzical expression.

It is the end of the lesson and we are packing up. Sirius leans over from his table behind to speak to Remus, "You ready mate?"

Remus looks at me again, with that strange look. "Actually I think I need to talk to Prof. Slughorn first. I'll meet you in the Great Hall."

I speed up my packing of equipment.

He wants to talk to me. I know he does! I'm not ready!

As soon as Sirius and James left the room Remus leant over, "Can I have a quick work with you Freya? In private?"

I fumble with a knife and drop it, I lean done to grab it while thinking of a good excuse to leave.

"Err… well…"

"Freya we have to go, we're going to be late for Transfig."

_I love you Severus Snape._

I quickly finishing packing and sling my bag over my shoulder, "I really ought to go."

I hurriedly follow Severus out of the potions lab, but Remus keeps up.

"I swear, I'll be really quick. I just need to ask you something." He sounds kind of desperate, it stops me.

"Eh… I re-really need to go. Ma-maybe another time." I try to offer a convincing smile and try to catch up to Severus.

"I'll hold you to that Freya!" I hear him call after me.

_No no no! _

Now I will have to carefully avoid him, not easy. He has a horrible knack for turning up in unexpected places.

_No choice Freya. He probably knows, but he can't be sure unless he gets a confession out of you. Just avoid him. Just be more careful._

oooOOOooo

Double Charms were first today, though I have decided to take refuge under a tree by the lake. Not one of my best ideas, middle November weather is not the most hospitable, but I like feeling numb right now. I can see my life is about to be derailed.

_I need to sort this all out. Soon._

Sighing, I knock my head back against the tree behind me.

"I'm so stupid!"

"I couldn't agree more."

I just close my eyes, "Either I've gone crazy and the tree is talking to me or that's Regulus." I open my eyes and look to the right as Regulus steps around the tree. He looks across the lake and shoves his hands in his pockets. "I suppose you're here to talk about what happened the other night with Havelock?"

His face hardens, "You did the right thing, just giving in, though you need to learn your place Freya!"

"Oh! But-"

"No! You do need to learn your place! You can't play games with him. You can't resist him. Don't you get it Freya? We're Slytherins; everything we do is to aid ourselves. You need act the part to survive." He spits the words out and starts pacing as he gets angrier, "You're 17 now how could you not know this? Why can't you just accept that this is the way things are and go with it? You're just like Sirius!"

I can see his hands clench in his pocket as he talks about Sirius, "I don't think I'm just like him." I can barely get the words out.

Regulus just looks down at me disgusted, "Guess you're not, you're too pathetic. You just sit around moping, hoping that things will be different. Praying the world will change so you don't have too. At least Sirius had guts." He sighs and his expression softens slightly, "Just give up Freya. It's never going to happen. Give up hope. Give up on your stupid letters to the Prophet; yes I know it's you. Just give up on all of it, before you get yourself seriously hurt… it's not so bad Fray. You get used to it."

"Is that what you did? Give up?"

He just shakes his head, "It's not so bad Fray, just trust me. It's a lot easier if you choose to give up."

oooOOOooo

This dinner time is strange. They have finally 'accepted' me, only took over 6 years for me to fit in. I honestly thought that after last night's display things would be worse. Nope, now these people like me. Great. Just great. Now they are paying attention to me and I have to laugh and joke as if I actually enjoy their company. I want to be sick. Though I suppose this is what I wanted in a way, for them to think I am one of them.

_Don't be a spoiled brat and complain!_

I keep sneaking glances down the table to Regulus; I do not know what I am looking for. I guess I am still slightly in shock after the lake incident.

I am beginning to think he is right. I should give up or give in to the Pureblood way of life. I am not getting anywhere with my letters. I am not changing any ones views. I cannot even help Regulus, each day I see him slipping further away. Even when I did finally talk to Sirius… well it was disaster.

Nothing is ever going to change. I'm too weak. I'm a follower, why act any different?

Maybe I should just take Regulus' advice. If he can do it… if he can, maybe I can too.

_Okay! New Dinner time resolution!_

_Be More Slytherin!_

I slam my goblet on to the table with thinking.

"What's wrong with you?"

Okay, that girl is… is… Parker? P something anyway.

_I must learn their names._

"I… I've just been thinking. These past 6 years I've been shirking my Slytherin duties. I think it is time for me to live up the family name." I get nothing bright smiles from those closest and Havelock laughs heartily.

_I think I just felt my heart break._

I risk another glance down the table to Regulus, he others a shy smile. At least he seems a bit happier.

"I agree with you there Callis and I think we should start by teaching you to be a bit more graceful!" Every laughs along with that P girls comment. I laugh too, praying they do not hear how hollow it is.

_Well there you go Freya. You finally found the strength to do something. It's a shame that it's the one thing you've been trying to fight._

_I'm one of them now._

oooOOOooo

Last week before the break for Christmas, time has escaped me again. How long has it been since I resolved to be more Slytherin? I have not been keeping track, just going through school in a haze.

I just get flashes of things I have done when my mind wanders from the present. Horrid late night discussions in the common room, actually agreeing to the Dark lords' views and… and yes, harassing muggleborns.

_I should be numb to this now._

I laugh along when they tease them; I have even hexed a few myself. At the time I do not care or register what I am really doing, but then I have the nightmares. I cannot get their pained looks out of my mind.

Severus does not talk to me any more either. It has nothing to do with some kind of altruistic streak he has. He just… well the other Slytherins do not believe he is a suitable friend for a member of 'the noble house of Black'

On an upside, Remus gave up on his attempts to talk to me. For a while after that Potions lesson he would try and corner me to 'chat'. Like out in the corridors just before curfew or in the library. It was like he knew just where to find me. But, it did not escape him that I am different. Or… at least my mask has changed. Maybe, now that he sees I am just a normal Slytherin and that Pankhurst could not possibly be me. It is a relief. And yet… not a relief. If he was on to me, if he was starting to figure out Pankhurst, just from seeing me in class that means that… I came across as a nice person? That somehow, even though I tried so hard to hide, someone realised that I wasn't all that bad. Now… now, that mask is complete. I am a Slytherin.

But, Regulus talks to me even less than before. He blanks me in the common room. I guess… I do not know what I guess. We are in the same situation now; I really do not know what is going on with him.

_He's not your responsibility. You gave up on you right to help him when you threw your values and morals away for this. This new life._

I lost everything I held dear.

Okay, maybe not lost. I threw it away. I choose to give it all up, to neglect my values. But I thought that I could handle it all okay if Regulus was right by my side.

I slump forward on my desk in DADA. I need to let go, to bury all my emotions.

"Freya Callis! Are you paying attention?"

Great now Prof Carpenter is shouting at me. This is now a regular occurrence. My grades have not suffered at all, but my general performance in class has. It is… it is just something that makes me feel better. Just for a little while.

"Obviously not Professor."

"What?" He looks shocked by my blatant admission.

"Well you asked, I answered. What did you expect?" The Slytherins closest to me laugh, though I can hear Sirius huff behind me.

"Detention Callis!"

"Oh yeah, because detention works so well."

"Out! Get out of my class room right now!" Prof. Carpenter is panting from anger.

I pack my things and leave, smiling. A genuine smile.

It is almost like venting, causing trouble like this. It is guilty free; there is no prejudice behind it. Just causing trouble for the sake of it and I get detention or points taken away. I like that bit. Feels like justice. I have done so many things that I have not been caught for, have not been punished for. I gladly take anything I am given for acting out in class. I feel better, I feel lighter. Thinking that somehow this makes up for everything. That I deserve this, that someone who is willing to act anything less than themselves deserves to be punished.

_I can understand why Sirius does this so much._

I stop in my tracks, my smile quickly fading.

_Sirius._

Is that why he does it? Is he hurting as much as Regulus and I? I always thought that everything came so easy to him. That he knew what he was and was comfortable with it. How could I be so blind? So insensitive. Of course it is difficult for him.

Sighing I start heading to the common room again.

_I need to stop caring._

A good Slytherin would not care about a blood traitor. I should be cursing his existence not empathising with him. Not finding a new way to connect to him.

_Connected to Sirius?_

My smile returns.

_I feel connected to Sirius again! This means there has to be hope! If I can feel this, then Regulus must be able to as well!_

I doubted what I was doing, what values I held, all because I suffered a bit and a feared suffering more. There might be hope again, but I threw away… everything that made me… me! Do I deserve to have hope? Do I deserve to try again?

_Why does everything have to be so complicated! Just when I think I have finally got everything sorted, found a solution, something else pops up! I might hate being a Slytherin, but this is the house I'm in. This is the house I have given myself over to. This is the way of life I was born into. I'm not Sirius. I'm not a Gryffindor. I'll just have to feel content in the knowledge that Sirius knows how much this hurts, that Regulus knows it too. That I'm not alone._

I am so weak. Regulus is weak too, that is why he is falling into darkness. No, maybe not that weak. If I was… would I have been able to last 6 years in this place before succumbing?

If I really was weak… would I have been able to keep myself whole for so long? Would I have been able to keep my thoughts my own? Everyone else in my house just spouts the same acceptable views of their parents.

And I never really submitted. Not really. If I did… I would not have had those nightmares. I would not need to act out in class to get a deserved punishment, to sate my guilt.

I only need to last the year. After that… I can just leave home. I can be free to be myself.

_Just one more year._

Can I carry on this charade? Can I carry this on and still be me at the end? If not me… then someone better? Someone stronger?

_I'll just have to resolve to be stronger, to at least try. Not going to be easy, I can't just sink back into the shadows this time._

Can I do anything about Sirius and Regulus? Can I risk it? Sirius and Regulus. One is pulling himself out of the void and the other is falling further in. I feel like I am stuck on that cliff again. I could easily go either way. I could easily become like Sirius, or let Regulus drag me down with him.

_Maybe they see each other as a possibility for themselves. Sirius hating the idea of becoming Regulus and Regulus envying Sirius. No… I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try._

_Looks like I am back where I started, but I think I have learned something._

_Think I have learned that even if I don't have the strength, I have to try. If I don't… then I won't change, I'll stay weak. I'll carry on resenting myself._

_This is not going to be easy._

oooOOOooo

Finally reaching the common room, I find it empty apart from a lone figure seated at the furthest desk. Severus. I almost forgot he skipped class today. I quietly sneak up behind him and hug him. Yes, hug him.

"Freya. Get-Off-Of-Me!" he barely manages to get the words out between clenched teeth.

"Sorry! I'm sorry Sev. I just needed to hug someone." I release him and take the seat next to him.

He leans back in his chair and gives me a wary look, "You okay Fray? Not feeling ill or anything?"

I hit him playfully on the arm, "Don't be an idiot sev. I'm just feeling… resolved. More whole. More awake."

He still looks wary but relaxes, "You seem a little happier."

I smile at him and lean down to grab a chocolate bar out of his bag. He always has chocolate in there. He just gets back to his work, probably content that I am not seriously ill and will not infect him with something that will make him happy. Merlin forbid.

"Have you finally come to the realisation that you might actually be better than these new 'friends'?"

"Waaat? Sah dat gin?"

"No I guess you're not. No good pureblood would be caught dead talking with her mouth full of chocolate."

_He complimented me? He actually said something nice? I guess… I guess I haven't really got to know him after all._

_I should get to know him better. I owe him that after all, I have been using him to hide._

_And I should try to talk to Sirius again._

_And Regulus._

_And get back to writing._

_And check that Remus and Lily haven't gotten any closer._

_And keep up this Slytherin act._

_Sigh._

_oooOOOooo_

_A/N: Gonna be the last chapter I can get up for a couple of days. Gotta start working on my college stuff, have exams in a few weeks. Hoping to have another chapter up either Wednesday or Saturday. All depends on how picky I am with writing the next one. I have a few big plans for it. _


	5. Never Be Bullied In to Silence

"**Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."**

**

* * *

**

_What's my first move?_

It has been two days since I made my resolution. My newest one at least and I have yet to do anything about.

I sigh, putting another rejected book back on the shelf. The library is practically empty as most people are out at Hogsmeade for the day. Havelock invited me; I however claimed that I have Herbology to catch up on. Of course he did not buy it at first, but I may have hinted that my parents would not be happy if I failed any lesson, even if it is only Herbology.

_They're all so eager to please someone, whether it be parents or the Dark Lord._

I pause, my fingers skimming over a book about a Muggle called Karl Marx. I read that one in second year.

Marxism… a theory about ruling classes, how they oppress those they deem lower than them, to keep the ruling class at the top. Of course Marx links everything back to money and something called Capitalism. But there are so many parallels, ruling classes, elitism, and oppression. Different classes having different cultures that they all blindly follow, never daring to break the mould for fear that their safe society will collapse.

_I need to make a move._

"Freya?"

I jump, so lost in my own little world that I had not noticed Regulus come up behind me.

"Don't scare me like that Reg?"

He looks ill, dark circles around his eyes, "Reg are you okay? Want me to take you to the Hospital wing?" I move forward and usher him on to a seat at the desk beside me.

"I'm fine Freya, just not sleeping very well." He rests his elbows on the desk and rests his head in his hands, while I take a seat next to him.

"Do you… do you want to chat about it?"

"No… no." He says and looks at me with an almost pleading look, "Can we just talk about normal things? I just need to take my mind off…"

"Oh, okay. Erm… do you want to hear about my charms essay? It's actually kind of good this time!" I shoot him a proud smile, but he does not notice he just stares of at a distant point.

* * *

I spent hours sitting in the library with Regulus. He did not talk very much, only to ask me questions, trying to prompt me into talking more when I stopped. He has not spoken to me weeks, then to actually come and find me? And he looks so ill.

_Something is coming. Something major is going to happen soon._

And now things will go back to how they were last week, I doubt Regulus will come speak to me again.

I pull my cloak close around me, in the hope that it will keep out the cold. The corridors are freezing at night, and as per usual I left it rather late to go post a letter.

_Most things never change about me. It's like I'm made out of stone. A stone left out to the elements, all the features being eroded by wind, till I'm no different from every over rock._

I shake my head. These thoughts won't do. If I am going to change I cannot let negative thoughts halt me.

"Ow!"

Nearing the owlry I bump into something. A very invisible something in the middle of the corridor.

_Okay Freya… This is a very old, very magical castle… just move… it's probably nothing. Probably._

After recapturing my breath I take a few slow steps forward.

_See! Nothing!_

A few more steps and I am suddenly pulled by this 'nothing' into the nearest classroom. It is too dark to see details, but I recognise this as the classroom I hid from Remus in. Jumping back, i injure my leg on a table that was behind me. Those strange murmuring noise surprised me.

"Will you quit making noise?" A hand appears from nowhere and pulls me under, what appears to be a cloak. With a hand placed firmly over my mouth I hold still.

_Sirius and his friends._

"Stay still and stay quiet" Sirius whispers in my ear, "Filch is coming." Soon after a dark figure passes by the classroom door, followed by angry grumbling. Once filch moved safely away, Sirius pushes me make out of the cloak hissing, "We didn't do this for you Freya. We just couldn't have you telling filch you ran into something. You're not to tell anyone about this."

I just nod dumbly. It is late at night, I am half asleep and too much had happened in a small amount of time, my poor brain just cannot keep up.

_Do something Freya! What's the point in saying you are going to do something if you let opportunities escape you!_

"Sirius wait!" I call out as the classroom door opens. I wait as I hear more grumbling and Sirius stumbles into view, shooting a very angry glare at the empty space he just came from. "What do you want?"

"Err… well…" I keep looking between Sirius and the space I presume his friends are. Sirius just sighs moving fully into the room and shuts the door behind him.

_Okay Freya, you've done this once before, you know you can do it again._

"I was wondering if you had thought about what I said last time. If you thought about why I told you those things." He's not going to answer; he just looks at me, carefully showing no emotion. "I had all these images of what I thought you were like, what I thought you were thinking, that I guess I kind of idolised you slightly. I am different, even if lately I haven't been myself. I've been acting, and I'm going to carry on acting. But I am different."

_Still nothing._

"Regulus needs help Sirius, that's why I told you all that stuff. I really believed that if you spoke to him then…. Well you could help, but time is running out now. And I'm not sure what it is you're afraid of or what it is you're resisting, but you're hurting Regulus. Me too." I take a deep breath and straighten up. I am getting angry now, I did not realise just how upset I was about all this, "but you're going to carry on as you always do, accepting your small minded world view, and never looking further than yourself. I guess… I guess I'm sorry I wasted your time."

_Oh… wow… is that what I really think? Why'd I say all that?_

Not waiting for a reply I calmly move to leave.

"You're such a brilliant actress Freya. Really, I'm impressed." He crosses his arms and I can see his emotionless façade slipping, anger seeping into his features and voice, "I just can't figure out what game you're playing, what it is you're after. People like you are always after something. Is Havelock not giving you enough attention?"

Spinning on the spot I ready an angry retort, but he beats me, "You try to paint yourself out to be something different, sure, I've spotted it in classes at some points. But I can spot an act when I see one Freya." Sirius' act breaks for a second as he storms past me, only pausing as he passed me to hiss, "Just stay away from me; you're nothing but Slytherin scum."

I stand there dumbstruck for a second, only to chase him out of the room I cannot see him but I still yell "You act so righteous Sirius! But you know nothing about me; you don't know who I am!"

Why did I say those things to him?

_No… No. You can't just let him walk all over you, how is he supposed to listen to you if he doesn't respect you. It was a good move; don't let him sort you into one of his nice little stereotypes._

Even with those thoughts swimming in my head tears begin to form, but I just carry on to the owlry. Cannot let these things stop me, not anymore.

* * *

Havelock made a last minute decision to stay at Hogwarts for the Christmas break and keep me company.

_I am so very lucky…_

Regulus was called home; apparently there is a very special dinner taking place that Regulus has been invited too. I only know of this because last night I was actually paying attention to the conversation in the common room and overheard another person discussing the plans. I think… I think the Dark Lord will be there. I am not really sure about that though; Slytherins are guarded in their speech even in the comfort of their own and I have not really paid enough attention to learn all of their codes.

_I think I've run out of time._

_Maybe not. Can't give up because of one event. Even if he does join the Dark Lord, there is still a chance. There has to be._

I sigh loudly, slumping forward at the table. I am just sitting in the common room, as usual. Got Severus on one side and a chocolate bar in my hand. This is how I am spending my Christmas eve. Havelock disappeared off somewhere; I think he had the Kelley girl with him. According to him, we are still a couple and likes to 'remind' me of that every night. That does not mean however he cannot go off and… _entertain_ other girls. If I was to try and do the same then we would have an issue.

_Double standards, the staple mechanism of an elite class._

"Thanks for the chocolate Sev, think I'mma go for a walk." Sighing I slowly push myself up. I feel slow sluggish and heavy.

Feel like… all these negative thoughts a physically weighing me down.

"I'll come with Fray. Don't really want to sit here." Severus scans the room with a scowl. There's only two other people in the room, but that is enough to make him uncomfortable.

* * *

"You're so difficult to read Fray." We are walking aimless around the school; I think we're somewhere near the Hufflepuff cellar.

"_You're_ calling _me_ difficult to read?" I have to fight to keep the laughter out of my voice.

Severus scrunches up his nose, "Yes. I'm simple. I'm quite clearly a Slytherin. You however come across genuinely nice, no matter how hard you try to hide it. I don't understand you."

"Well… I don't really know you either. We spend a lot of our time together, but we never talk about personal things."

Severus shoves his hands in his pockets, "You're a nice Slytherin Fray, it's a bit dangerous for anyone to get close to you."

I smile brightly at Severus, "You almost convinced me there Severus, just admit it, you're too afraid to get close to anyone."

He huffs and grinds his teeth, I was right. He was right too; it would be dangerous if he knew everything about me, I am not sure he has guessed a lot. But mainly, he just wants to keep himself distant.

_You can't get hurt if you don't let anyone in._

Severus stops walking as a figure rounds the corner in front of us.

_Oh brilliant! Remus… err… err…_

"Freya lets go back." Severus seems to have stiffened up a bit.

It is only Remus, I could understand his reaction if it was all of them.

Remus stops just before he reaches us, carefully avoiding Severus' gaze.

"Freya, do you think we could have that chat now? If you're not busy?" he seems really nervous, not really making eye contact with me.

"She doesn't want to speak to someone like _you_." Spits Severus, he grabs my arm and begins to pull me away, "Let's just go back."

_Are you just going to run Freya? Aren't you trying to be stronger? A stronger person would deal with this right now._

I look Severus dead the eye and try to seem confident, "It's okay really Severus. You head back; I'll meet you in a few minutes." I can see Remus' posture change out the corner of my eye to a bit more confident.

"Freya! You can't be left alone with him, he's _dangerous_." He seems so sincere and angry as he speaks, directing the last part in Remus' direction.

_Dangerous? Remus?_

"No Severus, just go, I promise I'll catch up." He abruptly lets go of me and storms off without another word, leaving me sighing at the sight of him disappearing down the dark corridor.

_Okay now Freya, take a deep breath, turn around and be prepared to lie your butt off._

I was so prepared to argue Remus in to submission if he questioned me about Pankhurst, but his expression.

_Is he ashamed?_

It stopped me. Broke down the wall of confidence I put up. He looked vulnerable, though it was only a fleeting moment. He quickly rearranged his features. He went to take a step forward but stopped himself.

"Do… Would you like me to walk you back the Slytherin common room as we talk? Would you feel a bit more comfortable?"

_Why does he care if I feel comfortable? Isn't he just going to jump out and accuse me?_

_You're just not used to males who don't just take control. Who actually care what you think._

Somehow Remus being nice about this actually makes me more anxious.

"Erm… ac-actually, it wouldn't be good i-if were seen together… sorry." I smile shyly at him and he just nods in understanding.

"Right, let's just walk this way, I promise not to walk you too far away." He turns to move back the way he came, pausing for me to catch up and walk beside him. "Don't worry about it being after curfew, it's my turn to patrol down here, we won't get caught."

I can only manage a nod, keeping pace beside him I walk looking at my shoes.

He's being… sweet? He's trying his hardest to make me comfortable. I can't stand this! At least with Sirius he was cold, it was easier.

Ten minutes, ten minutes before he decided to talk.

"Do you know what I wanted to talk to you about?" He does not really look at me as he talks and his pace slows.

"erm… n-not really." I start playing with the sleeve of my jumper; sure he can see how nervous I am.

He just nods, thinking.

He's actually… nice. I bet he's thinking of a way to phrase it really nicely. I way to get to the point slowly so I don't run. Like… like when you try to encourage an animal to come in the house, putting little bits of food out, over time bringing it closer and closer to the door.

"We over heard the conversation you had with Sirius last week. I'm sorry, we didn't mean to listen in, but we were just outside the door, and it was quite… heated."

"err… err…"

Why's it so hard to formulate a sentence round him? Why can't he just be a jerk!

He looks at me with a concerned expression, "I can tell you're different Freya. It might not mean as much coming from me and not Sirius. But I can tell."

I stop in my tracks, my breath caught in my throat.

_It does mean something to me. You're the second person to say that to me today. The second person to tell me what I want to hear._

He sighs, "I was trying to approach this delicately, since you seem so insistent on hiding it. But I know. I know it was you that night by the owlry, the one that dropped the letter. Though, I knew before that… that you were different. I think that's why it was so easy to believe."

_Deep breath._

"I don't know what you're talking about Remus." I try holding eye contact this time but falter at the end.

He smiles. "Okay, I guess you don't." I risk looking at him again, he's still smiling softly.

I rush forward and grab the front of his robes "Please Remus, you can't tell anyone!"

He looks at me surprised and slightly offended, and gently grabs my hands at his chest, "I wouldn't tell anyone, it's obvious you don't want anyone to know. I wouldn't do that to you."

I stand there stunned for a second, it never once crossed my mind that maybe he would respect my privacy. A few elongated seconds pass before Remus realises he is still holding my hands, he quickly withdraws them. Leaving us both feeling slightly embarrassed.

"Th-then why you care if it is me or not? If you're not going to tell anyone?"

He shuffles his feet and focuses on a point in the distance above my head, "You look so sad all the time. What you're trying to do… it's something great. You shouldn't have to be sad all the time… I th-thought you might like someone to talk to."

_Don't cry. Don't cry._

_

* * *

_

_**A/N: I didn't manage to get in all the major points I wanted *sigh* though that is always the case. I managed to get a 3 hour break in the middle of college which is how I managed to get it written today. Hopefully another one on Wednesday! This next one should be interesting! Regulus is coming back and he is coming back changed and in a major char role, should be fun to write!**_


	6. Nothing is Easier

"**Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult than to understand him." Fyodor Dostoyevsky**

I did not see Remus for the rest of the holiday, though I was not avoiding him. We ended up talking for about an hour. Well, he spoke I listened mostly. He told me about how he put it all together, how he really was not surprised. He also mentioned how he thinks I do an amazing job with hiding in my house. He figured me out easily enough; I really doubted I do a good job.

Until he left. We stopped a couple of minutes away from my House entrance.

"_Okay, I ought to head back now…" He looks like he wants to say more. I think I am missing something._

"_Y-yeah. Err… thanks for tonight." He just nods in reply. I am definitely missing something; he has this incomprehensible look on his face._

_This is awkward… neither of us is moving…_

"_Okay… well, just send me an owl if you ever need anything, or someone to talk to." Only when watching him leave does it dawn on me. __**Understanding**__. Not that he understands why I choose to write… but understanding the situation I am in. How, you have to hide. What it is like to feel isolated and disconnected to those around you._

_No wonder it was so easy for me to get comfortable around him. No wonder he was able to figure me out so easily. He is hiding too. He is just as afraid as I am._

After I realised that… that Remus really _got_ me. I was happy. Really happy and I felt less alone. Those two minutes it took to get back to the common room where the best two minutes in my life so far.

But now… I am laying in the Hospital Wing recovering from an attack. Something... something I never imagined happening. Even now, laying here, staring at the ceiling, I keep thinking I will wake up from this nightmare. It is not a nightmare, it is reality. It happened.

_Just as I think things get on track, something else comes along and derails me. Something happens that seems designed purely to test my resolution._

Sighing I prop myself up on my elbows and look around the Wing. It is night and too dark to see further than the end of my bed. But what is at the end of my bed that catches my eye.

A small box.

My muscles ache in protest as I lean forward to inspect the box. Chocolates. On the card with it there is no message, just a name. It is a peace offering. A way of saying sorry for what happened. For why I am here in the Hospital wing.

Sirius.

oooOOOooo

**Third week of January, four days before the 'incident'. **

On my way to the Great Hall for lunch, I dash down the main stair case after spotting Severus. Catching up at the doors, I grab his sleeve to grab his attention. He barely looks at me when he shrugs me off and walks away in a huff.

_Still not talking to me._

He has not acknowledged my existence since that incident with Remus in the corridor. I am not sure what is going on with him. My only guess is that he feels… betrayed? Or maybe it is because he was trying to protect me from Remus and I ignored him?

I stand frozen in the door way as the rest of the student population bustle past me.

Well… I cannot sit with Severus, nor can I sit with Havelock. I had breakfast with him this morning; my Havelock Tolerance Reserves have been all used up for the day.

And I certainly cannot sit with Regulus. He… He is one of _them_ now. I knew the very minute he came back to Hogwarts that he was one of them now. That he was a puppet of the Dark Lord. Though, I am still resolute that I will save him before the darkness consumes him. Before he is no longer a puppet but a willing and eager servant.

With a small sigh I turn on the spot, deciding that the library is probably the safest place. I do not get two steps before I spot Remus bounding down the stairs with a laughing Lily Evans at his side. Spotting me he smiles softly, I nod politely in response and move on.

"Eh… Hey wait!" Remus calls out, quickly closing the gap between us.

I smile shyly at him, "Afternoon."

He seems oddly confidant in his posture when I greet him, "I was worried you weren't going to speak to me. Skipping lunch?"

I nod dumbly, sneaking a look to the side. Evans is standing a few feet away, observing us with a confused look. Remus catches on to way I am uncomfortable and turns to Evans.

"You go on and meet the gang, I'm gonna go study in the Library. Erm… don't say anything else to them…"

She nods to him and looks over me warily before walking off to the Great Hall.

"You can go have lunch with your friends; I'm fine on my own."

He just smiles, "I know."

oooOOOooo

"So, I thought that I should give you some space after I cornered you in the corridor that night." He shoots me a sheepish look as he organises his notes in front of him.

I nod to him as I look over from the shelf I am perusing.

He seems so… confidant. Last time he was so hesitant. Was he caught off guard by Severus' comments? Or is it because he is not afraid of how I will react?

I sigh to myself and pick a Transfig book, it does not really matter which since I will not understand it anyway.

"But yeah… I was kinda worried you weren't going to talk to me. Since I could understand that, what with what I know. And that I am friends with Sirius, it's gotta be difficult right? You have to be thinking I am up to something. I'm not though; you don't need to worry about that." He laughs nervously, "I mean, if you think that, that's okay. I don't blame you, but I'm not. I don't know how to prove it, but if you think of something tell me. I'll happily oblige."

"You're rambling." I blush slightly at my brash comment.

He chuckles, slightly embarrassed, "Yeah, I guess."

I guess he was just trying to act confident.

"I-I'm sorry I didn't speak to you before." I keep my eyes on the page in front of me, but I can see him relax.

"No, it's okay. I shoulda guessed it would be difficult to manage, when you have all those Slytherins watching your movements." He laughs, "Kinda sounds like you're doing something illegal. Sneaking around."

I look up smiling and make eye contact for the first time since entering the library, "It certainly feels like that sometimes."

Remus kept me entertained with his own stories of sneaking around the castle for the rest of lunch. And nearly into the next period, since I arrived late to class after losing track of time.

I was glad he did not try to talk to me about anything serious. Though I do feel somewhat comfortable with him. I do not really know him, yet I feel like I can trust him. That scares me.

_Maybe you just have trust issues. I mean… look at your life! You've not trusted anyone with anything serious since you were 11. You don't even have any real close friends._

I took an empty seat at the back of the class. Without Severus around, I pretty much spend all of the classes on my own, unless the Professor places us in pairs.

So it was a bit of a surprise when Severus came and took the seat next to me. Grunting a 'hello'. I stared blankly at the front of the class.

He has ignored me for 3 weeks and now he is trying to be friendly? The first thing he says should be an apology.

I act as if I do not notice him beside me and ready my things for class.

"Fine Freya, be that way. I was only angry because you ignored me when I was trying to protect you from Lupin." He does not take his eyes off the board and speaks out the corner of his mouth, so as not to arouse suspicion from the Professor.

"Humph."

"You're in trouble Freya."

I grip my quill hard enough to hear it begin to snap.

"Why?"

Severus smirks slightly at my reaction, "I saw you with Lupin today. Had fun in the library didn't you? I warned you that he is dangerous and you ignored me. Then you carried on seeing him, actually becoming friends with him, after everything him and his friends have done to make life hell for me. Everything that Sirius has said to you. You still became friends with Lupin?" Severus pauses; I can tell it is not for an answer, just dramatic effect. I still cannot see how this gets me in trouble… unless…

"You…"

"Yeah, I told Havelock."

Now my quill really does snap and I turn so violently on my seat that I nearly fall out of it.

"Miss Callis! Not only do you arrive late to my class, but you're also going to cause a scene?"

I quickly turn to face the Professor, forgetting to wipe the glare from my features.

"Right Callis, out now!"

Not trusting myself to speak, I hurriedly repack my belongings and storm from the class.

_I have never been this angry at any one. Ever! I don't even remember the last time I was angry at anyone other than myself!_

I decide to take refuge in the kitchens.

If he told Havelock… this certainly is not good. Hvaelock would think that it is just me being odd as usual. Regulus however, he will recognise that there is something more going on. Though I am not sure he will make the connection to Pankhurst. There is a possibility that he will just think that it is a ploy at getting Sirius to speak to me. Regulus must know how badly I want that, he seems to know everything else about me.

However… Regulus finding out at all… is really bad, and Havelock would be sure to tell him.

A Slytherin friends with a Gryffindor? Family scandal is sure to ensue.

**Two days before the 'incident'.**

Pretty sure this is hell, or close anyway.

When I finally got the courage to go back to the Slytherin common room, the day Severus told Havelock, everyone was waiting for me. Havelock had told them he needed to make an announcement. It seemed everyone was of the opinion it was an engagement announcement. The atmosphere of the room changed so much when he told them

"There's a traitor among us."

That is all he said, never taking his eyes off me. Slowly it sunk into everyone that he was talking about me, heads began to turn and I was frozen. The people closet too me stood up, the movement was enough to shock me into action, I fled.

I ran from the common room; back out into the castle corridors.

I do not remember thinking anything. It was like; my body was acting on impulse. My mind still frozen in place but all those people staring… no glaring at me.

Even after I woke up, having fallen asleep in a class room, I felt… almost numb. That did not last for long though.

I knew that I could mostly avoid contact with the Slytherins. I could sneak to the kitchens for food, sleep in class rooms. Maybe even skip a class or two, to go back to the dormitory to shower and change. The only time they could get to me was in class under the watchful eye of the Professors. I would just have to make sure that I was quick getting out of the class, lest they follow me.

I am not quick on my feet and I am clumsy.

They keep catching up to me. Hexes and curses come out of nowhere. No matter how hard I try to avoid them

_Now you know what it's like for one of those muggle borns you helped torment._

It has only been two days, two days of tormenting from my own house mates. Just because I spoke to a Gryffindor.

No, not just because of that. I stick out for a Slytherin. No matter how hard I tried to be like them, they must have realised that I am different, that I do not really belong to them.

My parents know as well. They threatened to come collect me from Hogwarts to re-educate me at home. Regulus stepped in.

Regulus promised to handle the situation at Hogwarts.

How do I know this? Well, currently I am sitting (against my will) in the Slytherin common room, people at both sides of me, to prevent another flee attempt. Regulus pacing in front of me, seemingly is trying to consider the best approach at 're-education'. It is just an act though, everything is just an act.

He stops pacing and stands in front of me and starts tapping his finger on his chin. Smirking.

"The first step should be to stop all your anti-Slytherin behaviour. So of course that means no more lunch time talks with your dear Gryffindor friends… and…" He pauses and his eyes light up, as if he is enjoying this.

_Regulus, enjoying doing this to me? This… this isn't right. This isn't him. I know he was always more of a Dark Lord sympathiser but… he's… he was gentler than the rest. This isn't right, something is seriously wrong here._

"And we'll have to put an end to your letters dear cousin."

_Oh crap._

Regulus takes two steps towards my seat; I straighten up, somehow finding the confidence to actually fight him on this point.

"Letters? You don't mean to say she's Pankhurst?" I do not turn to see who is questioning; I just sink back into my seat and warily eye Regulus.

He turns and flashes his crocodile smile at the speaker, "Oh yes, she is." Pause for effect, "Freya will stop posting the letters, however this information will not leave this room. It could be bad for all of us; if it was found out Pankhurst was under our noses the whole time. Not to mention the blight it would cause to the Slytherin name, if it were known Pankhurst was one of us."

The room stays quiet, all eyes on me. Regulus turns his attention to me again, his eyes bright with excitement. A coldness grips me; starting from my stomach and spreading through me, making me feel sick.

_Madness. It's almost like madness. This isn't Regulus anymore._

For the first time since this all started, I want to cry. Usually I am so quick to tears, yet I was able to stay somewhat strong, but now?

_It's too late to save Regulus._

"I understand." The words were so hard to say.

"Yes, I believe you do. You can go to bed now Freya. It's a new day for you tomorrow."

No one follows me up to the dormitory, for which I am thankful. Though they all probably stayed downstairs to talk about what they have learned.

I sit on the end of my bed and stare at my shoes.

_I still feel numb._

The urge to cry passed quickly, leaving in its place this strange hollow feeling.

I think… maybe I knew it was hopeless. Right from when Regulus came back from Christmas. Everything felt different. I don't think I'm that surprised.

Changing into my pyjamas I climb into bed, hiding under the covers. Right now, yes I feel numb, but tomorrow? Tomorrow, it will probably ache. Nothing they can do to me will compare to the knowledge that I failed. That I failed to save some one I love.

_Tap. Tap._

I pull the covers tighter around my head, trying to ignore this insistent tapping.

_Tap. Tap._

_._

"Fine." Sighing I heave the covers off of me and look for a source.

_._

"Oh! An owl!"

Upon opening the window the owl flies straight for my bed. It is one of the tawny school owls.

_Freya,_

_I heard about what's going on in Slytherin house. Why didn't you say anything?_

_Though, I suppose I can understand, it's my fault for making you spend time with me._

_I'm sorry. I cannot apologise enough, I feel like I ruined everything._

_Please, tell me if there is anything I can do to help. I don't like standing idly by while your own house mates are tormenting you. I had to stop myself today, from rushing to help you. I thought… if I interfered it would make things worse._

_Please, I want to help._

_Remus._

This must be what salvation feels like.

I smile as I reread the letter for the 3rd time. The owl nips at my finger impatiently.

I guess he wasn't going to let me get away without some kind of reply. He must know or realise just how badly I need a friend right now.

_Remus,_

_No it's not your fault. You didn't ruin anything. This is a long time overdue. I'm just no good at lying or being secretive._

_There is something you can do to help. Meet me in the library tomorrow, if you don't mind skipping potions._

_Freya._

I let the owl back out the window with my letter attached. It might seem a bit bold. Maybe even out of character for me. But… I cannot get into any more trouble; there is nothing else that they can do to me. Even if they do find out that I skipped potions to meet Remus. I am sure that they will put it together, well, Severus will.

But really… they know everything about me now. They cannot actually do anything to seriously harm me while I am in Hogwarts and it is my last year. I do not have to go home.

And Remus, I actually have a friend in Remus. Why should I be too afraid to talk to him?

I lay back down in bed and ponder on everything.

When did this happen? When did I become this person?

Why aren't I crying like usual?

I thought I would know if I ever changed. Yet somehow… I changed and did not notice.

_No, you just have nothing left to loose. It's not change. You're not stronger. You're just clinging on to Remus._

Sigh.

No, I do feel different.

**The day before the 'incident'.**

_Tap. ._

Am I impatient? Or just nervous? I tap my finger against a window as I wait in the library for Remus.

Escaping from the watchful eye of my Slytherin 'friends' was not easy, yet somehow managed to slip away just at the door for potions. Regulus decided to have me watched /followed in between lessons to prevent this type of thing. However, they are not very organised or motivated.

"Pince will have you head for making too much noise."

I spin around to see Sirius sitting at the desk staring at the book shelf in front of him.

"I'll try and remember that."

I stand there somewhat stunned, playing with the cuff of my jumper.

_He's being civil? He hasn't shouted at me yet._

"Ha-ha don't worry Moony, she's still alive."

Sirius looks to the side to send a glare at the speaker, following his gaze I spot a slightly red in the face Potter, shortly followed by a panting Remus and Pettigrew.

_Guess they had to run to catch up to him… but Sirius didn't look like he was running at all… what's going on?_

"I'm playing nice." Says Sirius through gritted teeth.

Potter grins wider and saunters to the seat next to Sirius, "and does your playing nice include a lot of glaring? I swear Freya, this one? All bark and no bite."

I try and supress a laugh, whilst watching Sirius' discomfort.

"Fray, can you help me find a book?" Remus nods towards one of the other sections and I nod.

"10 minutes." Is all that Sirius says.

Skipping to catch up with Remus, "10 minutes? Is he giving you a time limit for being alone in my company?"

Remus turns into one of the little sub sections and stops, "Yeah. He still thinks you're up to something, or at least acting that way. He's just being stubborn, doesn't like being wrong."

"mhm."

"Anyway, I was glad you replied and asked to speak to me. I wanted the chance to say-"

I throw my hands up and stop him, "I don't want to hear you apologise. I just need a friend, not someone to take the blame."

He smiles sadly at me, "I thought that's why you wanted to meet, I was hoping for something more…" He waves a hand in thought, "active I suppose, but if you just need a friend, I will gladly do that. Though, you'll have to deal with the other three."

I smile and nod, "I think I can manage that."

Remus takes a hesitant step towards me and looks confused, but then shakes his head and…

And pulls me into a hug.

"I'm sorry." He whispers, before letting go and walking past me, leaving me stunned.

"eh… hey! I thought I said no apologises?" I turn to follow him.

He looks over his shoulder and laughs, "yeah, I'm sorry."

"You just did it again!"

He continues walking whilst chuckling.

I wait a few moments before jogging to catch up.

_Did he really just hug me?_

**The 'incident'.**

I am hiding again. It is night and I am hiding in a class room. I managed to sneak away just before dinner. It seems I am making a habit of night time visits to class rooms.

I slump forward on the desk and bury my face in my hands. I really do not like where my life is at the moment. The Slytherins, under Regulus and Havelock's joint command, have been tormenting and controlling me. It has only been a few days and I feel so helpless and trapped already.

I have not been able to sneak away to see Remus and the others either. Those two hours in the library were… lifesaving. Sure Sirius glared at me the whole time, and when Remus told him to quit, he just propped up a book in front of him and glared over the top. But it was nice. I know they only put up with me because Remus trusts me, but they did not act like it.

_Rattle._

I left my head up slightly looking for the source of the noise.

A flash of movement to my left and I dive to the floor, just in time for a chair to fly in a path that would have smacked my head.

_Bang._

Still on all fours I stay still as all the lights go out and other bits of furniture move.

"Nice dodge Freya."

Regulus?

I press myself further against the floor as more things begin flying above my head.

"aww come on freya, don't hide. I just want to talk." He chuckles manically after.

Tsk. He is standing right by the door.

"doesn't seem like you're in much of a mood to talk." I do my best to crawl along the floor to the window.

"Ah well freya, I'll admit. I am a little angry. You know why? I'll tell you. A little birdie told me you were hanging out in the library with some Gryffindors. But not any old Gryffindors. But my darling **brother**." He practically shouts the word brother and another chair smashes to the ground only a foot away from me.

"I tried to give you a chance freya, I tried being reasonable. But you wouldn't have it. You had to be just like him. Well I am done, I wont have you ruining everything I've worked for!"

Giving up on crawling, I reach into my robe for my wand.

_Well why didn't you think of that to begin with?_

"Regulus? What happened to you?" the words barely manage to escape as I try to keep from crying.

Here I am in an empty class room, with my half mad cousin trying to attack me. My cousin, who I could not save. Now I'll have to attack him, just to escape this.

I bite down hard on my lip, so I have pain to concentrate on, instead of how hard it is to see Regulus like this and jump up, aiming a spell to disarm him.

The wand is barely out of his hand before the flying furniture falls to the ground and Regulus is jumping over a desk to get at me.

My next spell is chocked back, as Regulus' hands find their way to my neck.

"You want to know what happened to me? You did. Sirius did. The whole fricking family!" with him being so close I can see how… feverish he looks. Red, panting and eyes glistening.

_Something's really wrong._

My wand falls from my grasp and my hands fly up to his attempting to loosen his grip.

"See what you're making me do Freya, I didn't want to do this to you."

I kick my leg out at his knee and he lets go, tumbling towards me. He recovers quickly and grabs me as I try to skirt to the side. I throw out a hand to strike him, but he catches and then throws me against a wall. For second there is only darkness, then throbbing pain.

"Ahh, Regulus… please stop." I plead, fresh tears running down my face.

_Bang!_

The class room door flies open.

"Regulus, what have you done!"

Sirius. It is Sirius standing in the door way, wand raised.

"I'm just sorting out a family situation dear brother, nothing to do with you." Regulus turns his attention back to me, as if seriously thinking Sirius would just leave.

A flash of blue light and Regulus falls to the ground.

I pass out.

**Back in the hospital wing.**

I open the chocolate box to find they are my favourite orange truffles.

_He remembered._

When I woke up earlier today, Madame Pomfrey told me that Sirius has carried me to the hospital wing and refused to leave until Professor Dumbledore ordered him to his office.

She told me that my main injuries where the deep gash on my leg and the knock to my head. I passed out again before she could get any details from me. Even I am not sure how I got the cut on my leg, it might have been shrapnel from the chair that crashed next to me.

I wince at the memory.

That wasn't Regulus. He would never do something like that…

I almost violently eat a chocolate, praying that I will not cry. I really screwed up.

"You're awake?"

I look to the door too suddenly and my body aches.

"Severus? What are you doing here?"

"Just came to check on you." He walks over and hesitantly sits in the chair, as if waiting for me to order him to leave.

"Achy is all. I'm fine." I shove another chocolate in my mouth and keep my eyes on the box.

This wouldn't have happened if he never told on me in the first place… but I can't blame him. He wasn't the one to raise his wand to me.

"I… er… well you know." He looks at me pleadingly.

I sigh and nod. He wants to say sorry, but cannot actually say the words.

"If I knew Regulus would go that far…"

"No one could have predicted that."

He stays silent for a few minutes and I play with the chocolate box.

"You're different."

"Hmm?"

"Usually you'd be crying your eyes out."

Without knowing why I suddenly thought of Remus hugging me.

_Eh… did it just get hot in here?_

"Yeah, I guess." I keep looking forward, thankful that it is too dark for him to see my blush.

_Why am I blushing? Why did I think of that?_

"I guess I have been too caught up in being angry with you to notice you change." He sounds thoughtful and sad.

I turn my head and smile slightly, "it's okay, I know you were just mad because you were trying to protect me and I wouldn't listen. I can't be angry with that."

He nods and gives me a solemn look, "I meant it you know. He is dangerous. This probably isn't the best time to bring it up bu-"

"No you're right it isn't the best time, I'm tired. Thanks for coming to visit." I lay back down and roll onto my side, so I am facing away. I know what he wants; it is another warning about Remus.

"Fray. He is dangerous. I mean look at what happened to you and all you did was talk to him. Not to mention he's…"

_1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,…._

I start counting in my head, just to have something to listen to other than Severus. I know he means well, but he just doesn't like Remus, he is not dangerous.

Severus grabs my shoulder tightly, "Fray listen to me. You have to stay away from him, you'll get hurt."

I can hear how hard he is trying to refrain from getting angry with me, but I bite back anyway, "really? He'll hurt me? The only people who have hurt me the ones in my own house, and _you _helped them."

Severus lets go of my shoulder but leans in to whisper, "yes but I'm not a werewolf. ."

I grip my pillow tightly as I hear Severus storm out of the hospital wing.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

ooooOOOoooo

A/N: Okay… I realise that it has been forever since I updated and I apologise greatly! (and even more so for this chapter its so bad )

However in my defence… I did have exams..! that I think I have failed ; ;

And then when I went to write this chapter last night, I got side tracked by watching Sexy Voice and Robo! Robo is played by Matasuyama Ken'ichi! *melt*…

See what happened there! I just thought about Matasuyama-san and I needed a 5 min break to pick myself up off the floor! So you cannot blame me… blame him :P

Annnnyway! I should be pretty much free for a while, so weekly updates!

Love you alllll! Penny xxx

PS. Sorry about what I have done to Regulus ; ;! It will all get fixed… I hope !


	7. The Meeting Of Two Personalities

"**The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed." **

**Carl Jung**

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* * *

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_**A/N**__: arrrrggghhhhh! I just wanted to thank the people who have taken the time to comment on my story. It really does mean a lot to me! And I was hoping to have this chapter out earlier, but job-hunting was eating my time . since college is out till September, my mum feels I need a job… eurrrgghggghhhghghhhhhhhhhh._

_Anyway! As a treat for the reviewers I have added something… a little piece of plot I was going to put in the next chapter… think of it as a gift! 3! 3! 3!_

* * *

"Please! I really don't feel well enough to go back just yet!" I grip the bed sheets so tightly my knuckles turn white.

Madam Pomfrey and Prof. Dumbledore are standing at the end of my bed, happily announcing that after a week in the Hospital Wing, I can go back to the Slytherin dormitory.

"Please!" I beg, tears begin to form and sting my eyes.

Dumbledore offers me a sad smile, "I can understand you have reservations about going back, however this is important." He walks around the bed and takes the seat next to me, nodding to Pomfrey, who quickly closes the curtains around my area and leaves us to talk

I keep my eyes on a stop at the end of my bed, struggling to control my breathing.

_Back to the Slytherin Common Room? Am I ready to face Regulus? No, I'll never be ready to face Regulus, but I'll have to do it at some point… wont I? I can't hide._

"I-I'm not we-welcome there." Fighting back tears causes me to choke on my words and stutter, I am sure Dumbledore can see how badly this is all affecting me.

He sighs and folds his hands in his lap, "I must say, I knew that this type of situation would arise one day. Though when you got to your seventh year without incident I thought you might actually make it, but to think that Regulus…"

I snap around to face Dumbledore, my urge to cry replaced by anger, "You knew something like this would happen?"

He just smiles softly, "Of course I knew. This is my school and you are my student. Master Lupin is not the only one to notice that your different." He chuckles lightly, "though I can happily say I noticed before he did, I cannot let myself be out done by a student."

"This isn't a game Professor! This is my life!"

"Quite right you are Callis. However, you need to go back to Slytherin house and face your problems." Any jovial tone is lost as he becomes stern, "I know what it is you plan to do once you leave the school. I know those letters are you-" I wince, "which is exactly why Slytherin is the best house for you, why you need to go back and face the problem head on."

I stare at him dumbfounded, "what? How could Slytherin possibly be the best house for me? Do you have any idea what is going to happen to me now?"

"I am aware. What you fail to realise is, this is the best situation for you. You only have half a year left, and then you will have no need to see these people again. However, your wish is to help create a fair and equal society. You want to help the disadvantaged, the discriminated. Yet how can you achieve that, without ever living that yourself." He ends his spiel with a smile.

I lean back against the headboard and my muscles relax. I did not even know I was that tense. "So, you're saying… I need to face this… so I have the same experiences as those I want to help?"

He smiles, "Yes. Having the same experiences not only means that you know what you need to do, but it also means the disadvantaged will trust you. When someone has suffered a lot in their life, they carry it with them and everyone will be able to see that."

I sigh.

_They'll be able to trust me… because I have suffered the same? Do I want that?_

_Erugh, what a stupid thing to think, of course I want that and it is only 6 months._

"… maybe what Severus said was true…"

Dumbledore's eyes light up and he tenses up very slightly, "I am sorry Freya, I missed that. You whispered something?"

"Oh! It was nothing." I laugh awkwardly.

_Maybe Severus was telling the truth. Maybe Remus is a werewolf, it would fit. He does seem to disappear a lot and… he did just trust me without question and I the same. It would explain why I am so comfortable with him. We're both outcasts._

_Though obviously his situation is far worse._

I shake my head to clear myself of all thoughts. I cannot worry about these things right now. I have to deal with Slytherin and Regulus first.

"Erm, Professor… what is going to happen to Regulus?"

He pauses, obviously thinking of the best way to word it, "We have given him detention for the rest of the year. Though, we have kept this incident secret from everybody. I feel… it is best given the current situation, that Regulus stays some place he can be watched."

"You mean… You want him watched because you think that he has joined the Dark Lord?"

He raises his eyebrows in slight surprise, I guess he did not think I had guessed that much, "I cannot comment on that. Though if it is a concern to you, please feel free to speak to me." He stands up and pats my shoulder, "now that we have that cleared up, I'll expect to see you at dinner."

_I guess there is nothing left to do… other than go back to the dormitory._

* * *

Nothing happened.

Nothing at all… oh… apart from the fact that I have appeared to enter some Twilight Zone world.

Before I entered the common room, I took a few moments to compose myself. I was all hyped up for a fight. Yet… when I entered… they were _pleased_ to see me and they were _nice_. They asked how I was feeling, apologised that none of them came to see me. They even took notes for me in class.

All I could do was nod dumbly, let myself be led to a seat and quietly watch as this bizarre scene unfolded around me.

_I wonder if this is Regulus' doing… or Havelock's. This has to be some kind of trick_.

It was not long till it was dinner time and I was escorted to the Great Hall. After passing the doors, I instinctively look to the Gryffindor table. Sirius, Potter and Pettigrew were watching me enter with this large group of Slytherin 'friends'. Sirius shoots me a look that's somewhere between confused and angry, I just try to look back pleadingly. I really wish he could get me out of this.

_That's not the attitude you should have. You have to be able to deal with your own problems!_

I did not have much of an appetite so I merely pushed food around on my plate to look as if I had eaten something. Mostly I was watching Regulus. He seemed to have retreated back to his old self, just with more friends. That… that aura that creeped me out, that whatever it was that seemed to make him 'crazy' had vanished. He was just regular old Regulus.

Severus seemed to be ignoring me again and Havelock was acting like nothing had ever happened. Everyone was acting like this was a normal school dinner.

Yet I had all these thoughts buzzing around my head.

_What had happened to Regulus?_

_Did Sirius really come to save me? Does he believe me now?_

_What is Severus' problem with Remus?_

_And… is Remus really a Werewolf?_

When I started the year I had one problem… well… maybe two. They were to try and not stand out and try to keep Pankhurst a secret. Yet now? Seems like a million things all happening at once.

Family, boyfriends, werewolves, half-crazed cousins and a senile old bat of a headmaster who thinks mental abuse is character building.

_How did I get into this situation?_

I slump forward at the table.

"Oh Freya sweetheart, are you not feeling too well?" I wince as some random Slytherin girl speaks to me in a far too sweet voice.

"No not really, I think I just want to sleep." I push myself up and force myself to smile at the table, "thanks for today, I'll see you all in class tomorrow."

"No problem Freya, goodnight!" Havelock smiles as he talks.

* * *

_Crash!_

The chair I kicked lands in a mess on the floor. I just whip out my wand and fix it up, before kicking another chair.

It may be childish to do something like breaking furniture and I would not usually do something like this. However, I am just so frustrated!

_Crash!_

"Why is it, every time chairs are flying, you're involved?"

I spin to face the door. Sirius is standing there leaning against the frame, yet he does not have his usual glare.

I can feel my face light up in a smile and I go to take a step toward him, but stop.

"Erm… I wanna say thanks, you know… for saving me." I eye him warily. I have no idea of what he is thinking. Before he saved me, it was obvious he hated me. Yet he still saved me, seems like everybody is doing things out of character… or maybe I just did not know them as well as I thought. Either way, I can no longer predict him.

"Yeah Remus kept saying you wanted to thank me." He does not look me in the face, just focuses on a point above my head.

Remus had come to visit me every day in the Hospital Wing; he would stay for at least an hour and just talk. One time Potter had come to keep me entertained too. Though Sirius did not once come and see me. So I got Remus to pass on the message… every day.

Funny… Remus had not come to see me for the last two days, and I did not see him at lunch.

Sirius suddenly stumbles forwards, and loud laughter erupts behind him as his face meets the floor.

"Prongs!" Sirius pushes himself up quickly and spins to face a laughing Potter, who is actually holding onto the door frame to support him.

"Well, that's what you get for trying to act cool and not just apologising to Freya."

Sirius just huffs.

"Oh why would Sirius need to apologise to me? I'm the one that caused all the trouble. I prolly shouldn't have snuck off from the Slytherins when I knew I would get into trouble for it." I smile at Potter.

"Nah you got it wrong Fray!" Potter steps into the room and playfully hits Sirius, "go on mate!"

Sirius grinds his teeth slightly before shoving his hands in his pockets and staring at the ceiling, "sorryfornotbelievingyou."

Potter laughs again and hits Sirius.

"Erm… sorry? I didn't catch that?" I stare at Sirius confused.

Sirius huffs again and glares at me, "I'm sorry alright! I'm sorry I didn't believe you! There I said it!"

I stood there for a good 10 seconds before it finally sunk in. Sirius believes me! He knows I am not like the others.

I dash forward and hug Sirius, he was not expecting that, so the sudden weight and my momentum sent us tumbling to the floor.

"What the hell?"

"I'm just happy!"

"Yeah, well, get off of me!"

I laugh and lift myself off of Sirius, who only half-heartedly glares at me.

"It only took 7 years but you no longer hate me! You can't blame me for being happy!"

Potter suddenly slings an arm around my shoulder and does the same to Sirius, "well would you look at this? Never did I think I'd be calling you a friend fray!"

Sirius sighs, "It's too early for that type of thing. Look, I'm willing to believe that Fray isn't a real Slytherin but… it's…" he waves his hand searching for the right phrase.

"Too much has happened for us to go back to how we were straight away. We need time." I add.

"That's the ticket." He nods in agreement and I smile.

_This feels kinda nice. Things aren't fixed with Sirius but, it'll get there and I really am happy._

* * *

**Valentine's day.**

It has been just about 2 weeks since I was let out of the Hospital Wing and the Slytherins are still the same. They have toned down the 'niceness' a bit, but they still treat me like they would any other. They are still acting like nothing ever happened, like they never found out that I am Pankhurst. Even when one of my new letters was published, no one even looked my way.

I think I actually preferred it when they actively tormented me. This… feels like I am waiting for the last push of the plank.

Seems like I am never going to speak to Severus again. I tried talking to him, I really did. But… well, I have been spending time with Sirius and his friends. A lot of time, I even sit with Remus in potions now. I am sure Severus hates me. I did not want to lose his friendship, but if he is not going to talk to me, just because of my choice of friends, well that is his loss. I am always going to be open to being his friend. I do really like him, but I am not going to force it.

Regulus apologised to me. He actually cornered be after charms one day and said "sorry you got hurt, things kinda got out of hand… didn't they." As if that was actually a viable apology. I accepted it however, he did seem genuinely sorry. But I still do not actually understand what happened. There is no reason for him to suddenly become so violent then just revert to normal. Though I know now, that I will not get all the answers I want whilst I am at Hogwarts. Once I am out and free, I will have plenty of time to get all the answers. Plenty of time to fix things. No matter what happens, not matter how deeply involved with the Dark Lord Regulus gets, I will help him.

But right now… I just need to get through this one day.

Never before have I faced such a battle as this…

Valentine's Day.

Do not look at me like that… it is a battle! The dormitory certainly looks like a battlefield. Discarded dresses lying all over the place like lifeless bodies. Different accessories and make-up stuff thrown around the room like shrapnel. Girls darting from place to place, growling when someone gets too close. I am too afraid to venture from my bed.

All this chaos in preparation for the ball.

The school does not usually celebrate like this, but… every day there is fresh news of Death Eater killings. The Heads felt that the students needed a distraction to take their minds off of the tragic events. Of course nobody came out and said that, but if you read between the lines you can see what is really going on.

So here I am, sitting on my bed, trying to ignore the girls fight for beauty that is occurring outside my curtains, looking at the suspiciously dressed shaped package at the end of my bed.

It arrived this morning via the usual method. A gift from mum for my first Ball with Havelock.

I have changed so much in such a short space of time, yet I still cannot seem to rid myself of Havelock. A part of me thinks that if I break it off with him then this whole… truce type situation will tumble and I will be the victim of torment again. I am just scared.

Havelock has even ridded himself of his 'mistresses' I assume because he is afraid of what Regulus would do to him.

I sigh and lay back on the bed.

I cannot believe it, my first ball. My first ball is not only a Valentines one but I am also with Havelock.

I sigh again and roll over burying my face in a pillow.

Then again, is there anyone I would prefer to be with?

_*Remus takes a hesitant step towards me and looks confused, but then shakes his head and…_

_And pulls me into a hug._

"_I'm sorry." He whispers, before letting go and walking past me, leaving me stunned.*_

I feel my face begin to burn and jump up.

_Why do I keep thinking about that?_

Not wanting to actually know the answer, I busy myself with getting ready.

* * *

Havelock is grinning like an idiot as we walk into the Great Hall, arm in arm. I am sure his is thinking something along the lines of _'cor she sure scrubs up good'_. I have to admit, even I was surprised what a dress, minimal make-up and just pinning my hair up does… it is a simple powder blue and black, knee-length corset dress, but yeah… I look kind of nice.

I do not usually bother with how I look, but some part of me was screaming that it was a good idea to at least try and look feminine/pretty. I know I am not doing it for Havelock…

_Nope… I don't wanna think about… don't think about it._

Havelock walks me to the side of the Hall that appears to be claimed as the Slytherin side, and offers to grab me a drink.

The whole Hall is done in a very… well it is very pink and hearts orientated. I can hear girls next to me gushing about how _pretty_ it all is, but I just stand there trying to decipher the charm used to create the translucent pink hearts that are falling from the ceiling like snowflakes.

There is a small break in the crowd as people move around greeting each other, and I catch a glimpse of Sirius and his friends, I manage to wave quickly and offer a small smile, which is returned (to my surprise) before the gap is filled with more people.

And so my night was filled with idle chit-chat, drinking and even more idle chit-chat. A couple of times Havelock managed to trick me into dancing. Yes trick me. I am not a dancing person, the mind is willing but the flesh is weak. In short I am clumsy and I do not think he has any more toes left.

Just after midnight I manage to make my escape from the Hall and wander down the corridors till I reach my favourite hide out. The empty class room near to the owlry.

I open the door with a flourish and practically bounce through the door way before I notice a figure staring out of the window.

"Oh sorry, I didn't check if it was empty first. I'll leave."

I barely retreat two paces before the figure replies, "Oh no! It's okay Freya, come on in."

"Remus?" I quickly shut the door behind me and make my over to him, jumping up on to a table next to him for a seat.

He turns and smiles, "I'm glad you not uncomfortable around me anymore."

I nod and smile in return, "well… I feel different now." I turn and face the night sky, "the stars are really clear tonight."

"Mhmm." He stares out the window and puts in hands in his pocket, "you seem happier."

I laugh, "Yeah I think I am. I know this whole truce with Slytherin won't last much longer but it doesn't bother me. I know Severus prolly hates me and that Regulus is in real trouble. Yet, I am happier. I don't know, usually these problems would have me crying but instead, I feel stronger. Like, I will manage to fix it. Ya know?"

Still not facing me he replies, "That's good. I'm sure, even though he won't admit it, Sirius would be glad that he had that effect on you."

"Err… what?"

His shoulders sag as he sighs, "well you just seem happier since you and Sirius made up, I just assume that it is the whole situation with Sirius that has changed you. These past two weeks… I don't think anyone has seen you smile so much, even Sirius seems happier."

I nod and fiddle with my skirt slightly, "yeah, making up with Sirius? Definitely has helped. It is one of the things I really wanted to do before I left here. But that's not it. You helped too. That night when you said you knew Pankhurst was me, when you said you thought I'd like someone to talk to. That's when I began to change."

He shifts he body slightly to face me, "why then?"

"Well, there was just something in how you looked at me; it was like you understood me. And I kinda felt like… well after that, when we met up a few times, felt like I had a real friend. I needed that. That's when I started to become stronger, even if I didn't realise it." I laugh awkwardly, "It's strange to think, I barely knew you for more than 5 minutes and you had already helped me so much."

Now he turns to face me fully, smiling, "my dad once told me '_you don't judge your friends by how much you see them or how much they physically do for you. Your friends are people who change you, for better or for worse. People can only change you if you let them in_.' you've helped me too, before we even spoke. I don't dread leaving here so much."

_I helped him too…? Before we spoke… the letters, all year I have been focusing on werewolf rights. Severus must have been telling the truth. Maybe I should say something…_

Remus quickly looks down at his watch, "well, I better get back before they notice I am missing and come searching."

I smile, glad for the chance to put of confronting him, "yeah I suppose I ought to as well. Why were you here anyway?"

He looks away sheepishly, "no reason, just wanted some peace and quiet. I'm not really that sociable."

"Same here." I reply laughing.

He quickly walks towards me and offers a hand, "I suppose I should be a gentleman and help you down from there."

I take his hand gently and he places his second on my waist to guide me as I jump, "thank you kind sir! And may I add, you certainly look dashing in those dress robes." I laugh and bring my hand to my cheek pretending to blush.

He grins and absent-mindedly rubs his thumb along the back of my hand, "I am very much flattered to earn a compliment from such a beautiful young lady."

I laugh trying to hide the fact that I really am now blushing. I look to the side embarrassed, but he quickly moves his hand from my waist to my chin, gently turning my head to face him.

I barely had time to register the sad smile on his face before his lips meet mine.

3 seconds.

His lips were soft, the kiss unsure.

But that was 3 seconds of bliss.

* * *

**A/N: Tada! Another chapter finished! It's funny to think that when I planned this story, it was only 6 chapters long and about 17k words… but now I am… I dunno where I am anymore. Somewhere in chapter 2 I ended up turning left instead of right o.O now the plot is writing itself O.O anyway! I hope you liked the little present at the end there! And thank you sssoooooo much you kind kind reviewers! And thankyou to the people who don't review but read! Much love! 3!**


	8. Besides the Noble Art

**Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials. ~Lin Yutang**

* * *

My hair sticks to my skin, my school uniform clinging to my body; yeah it may have been a slight miscalculation to go out in the rain. And would you look at that, Havelock followed me.

It's been two weeks since the Valentine Ball and things have slowly moved back to normal. Sort of. The Slytherins, who are no longer afraid of Regulus having a freak out, are treating me exactly as they had at the start of the year. They know about the letters, but between Regulus and what my family will do when the school year is up, I guess they feel like they don't need to handle it.

"Freya," He calls to me as we walk beneath the awnings around the Castle, "You've been avoiding me."

I spin on the spot to face him, standing straight, taking a deep breath…

_I'm not scared. I'm not scared._

If my fingers weren't fidgeting with the ends of my robe sleeves, I'm sure I could've pulled it off. He stops inches in front of me, smirking.

"Well, you didn't answer my question."

"I didn't realise it was a question."

He's right though, I had been avoiding him. Things got a little complicated at the Ball. After that thing with Remus, I went back to the hall and… well I don't really remember what happened, the night was a bit of blur. Hundreds of thoughts were rushing through my mind, not to mention the residual brain fuzziness. So, to simplify things, I've avoided everyone. Yup! Life can't be complicated when you use the basic avoidance method.

Well… I have spoken to Sirius a few times, but not even gone near Remus or Severus and Regulus scuttles away around a corner when he sees me.

I can understand why Regulus runs away, I'm not even sure if he knows what he thinks or feels, he seems so manic lately. And I just can't talk to Severus, I feel so betrayed by him, I'm sure he feels the same about me to. I know the right thing to do would be to sit down and explain it all, but… what if it doesn't work out, what if I just make things worse, I mean, if I don't try, I can't fail. I don't want to lose him; he's been my only friend for so long.

And Remus… err… my brain goes fuzzy every time I think about him, so I try not to. He's not exactly made an effort to speak to me either… it's something I'm either gonna have to face, or maybe we can pretend it never happened and we can just be friends again… that'd be nice.

That being said… I may have been avoiding Havelock because of Remus. Havelock is very _forward_ and I don't want him to kiss me.

I sigh, "Fine, yes I have been avoiding you." I stare up at him, trying my best not to seem weak.

He's eyes flicker to anger quickly, before he pushes me against the wall. Without much thinking, I raise my hands and push him back off me, then reach for my wand, not raising it, but keeping it at my side.

"Freya, you should think before you act." He moves in front of me again, and my grip tightens on my wand, feeling somewhat confidant I stand tall.

"I am thinking Havelock, and I am thinking this has gone on long enough. It's over." Honestly, I'm not thinking, and hearing those words come from my mouth surprises me, but luckily I hide it well.

He glares hard and grinds his teeth, "this isn't a game Freya, break up with me and that will be the end of you."

I breathe hard trying to suppress a gulp.

_The end of me? What's he going to do? They can't do anything under Dumbledore's nose._

_That's right; they can't do anything to me!_

The butterflies of fear that had been fluttering in my stomach disappear as I realise there really isn't anything he can do, and instead a different sensation takes over.

Burning with resolve I move and close the gap between us, staring up at him, "No Havelock it really is over, I am not afraid of you."

Huffing with anger he turns away and stomps back to the castle. Leaving me dazed and riding high on my new found confidence.

With a contented sigh I lean back against the wall, raising my face to the sky, smiling into the rain.

I broke up with Havelock, and I didn't even mean to.

Surprising myself, I laugh loudly. It feels good. Feels good to laugh, to be out in the rain, to solve one of my many and mounting problems.

Thinking of all the problems sobers me up a bit, and my laughter dies to a weird giggle.

I can't help but think of the fact all my problems are male related. I don't have any female friends, would things be any different if I did? Or would hormonal schizophrenic teenage girls make everything worse. I wouldn't even know how to go about making female friends. How did Severus become my friend?

A clap of thunder in the distance makes me jump and I shake my head to clear it.

I know what my problem is, I'm just avoiding it. I'm lonely and I have been cutting myself off from the only people I can talk to. I need to take this new found confidence and sort everything out, maybe tie Sirius to a chair and vent my problems to him… not the Remus thing though, that would be embarrassing.

_Huh… maybe that's why I am thinking about female friends, because… err…. No, no, no._

I have potions work to do; I better get inside, dry off and head to the library, that's a nice safe non-confusing activity.

* * *

If there is some Great Creator or maybe just a Puppeteer to life, then they hate me. Obviously they take great joy in watching me squirm.

I'd only just got settled into the usual place in the Library when Sirius and his gang came waltzing in. Without thinking I ducked under the table and watched them pass.

Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking either.

Thinking they had passed I let out a relieved sigh. I need to stop acting before I have a chance to think.

"Freya, what are you doing?"

The sound of Sirius' voice causes me to jump and smack my head on the base of the table.

"Err, nothing, just looking for a quill." I turn to the left to face him; he's crouching down to look at me a bemused smile on his face. I can see the legs of the others and hear barely concealed laughing.

"So you had to get all the way under the table."

I nod seriously, "yes, it was imperative."

A few chairs get pulled out at my table and the gang take over.

"Come on Fray, we haven't seen ya in a while." I sigh at Potters voice, and glare at his foot as he nudges me.

Guess I am being joined for a study session.

With exaggerated effort I pull myself up into my seat, Sirius to my left, Pettigrew to my right and Potter, Evans and Remus across from me. I smile shyly at them all.

"What's with this attitude Fray?"

Trust Sirius to note something's wrong and have no qualms about bringing up in front of people. If I didn't know any better I'd say he knew I was hiding here and brought them all along to torture me. He does appear to have an uncanny knack for knowing where I am.

I glare at him out the corner of my eyes, now sure he is up to something. He just grins in return. Yeah, he his.

Evans and Remus begin discussing some paper between themselves and Potter watches Sirius' and I's interaction.

I bite my lip slightly and look down at my book; I can't help but feel kind of… jealous, maybe… argh. No! Bad thoughts!

I turn and smile brightly at Sirius, "oh no attitude Sirius just thought you guys wanted a break from me." I wave my hand around to empathises my point, and laugh unconvincingly.

He turns serious, "uh huh."

I squirm under his gaze.

"Right Fray, anyway, how's things in Slytherin?"

I blink at Sirius' question, it's still a little unnerving for us to be somewhat close again, "oh you know, same old same old. Kind of don't wanna go back tonight though."

I don't really think that Havelock or anyone else will do anything, but there's still this part of me that's afraid. I am such a coward.

"Why what happened?" Sirius practically growls at me and I sink back into my chair. Everyone else at the table turns to watch us.

"Well, it's just, I broke up with Havelock."

Now its Sirius' turn to blink, "you… why?"

Potter laughs watching Sirius' confused expression.

"What do you mean, why? I broke up with him because I never really liked him." I sit back up in my chair.

Sirius still looks confused, "then why did you go out with him?"

I huff getting slightly annoyed with Sirius, "well it's not as if I had much of a choice!"

"He forced you?" Sirius still looks confused, but anger lines his voice.

"Well… I guess in a way, yes. Like I said, I didn't have a choice. But it's over with now." I turn back to my book, not wanting to argue with Sirius, and very aware of everyone else at the table watching us. I try very hard not to peek through my fringe to look at Remus.

"Prongs?"

"Yeah I know."

I watch as Potter nods to Sirius and Evans shoots them a disapproving look.

They're planning something.

Is… is Sirius going to avenge my _virtue_?

* * *

Best Monday morning, in the history of Monday mornings. And yes, Sirius did avenge my _virtue_. I don't know how he managed to get it all sorted in one night, but ha, he is amazing.

I shove a sausage in my mouth to muffle the sound of laughter.

Havelock, under some charm no doubt, has wandered into the Great hall for breakfast, in his underwear; with I love Snape written in lipstick on his chest. After only a few seconds, the teachers descend from their table to get Havelock, who runs to Snape, loudly declaring his love.

I choke on my food and blindly search for a drink, all the while laughing.

"Black, Potter! To my office now!"

McGonagall shouts from her perch, and I sober up immediately, looking to the Gryffindor table. I am glad they did it, but I don't want them to get into trouble because of me.

Sirius catches my eye as he gets up and winks, I just smile in return.

Yeah, best Monday ever.

Dumbledore has little trouble quieten the hall down, so only a few rumbles of laughter remain. Though the Slytherin table still mutters darkly. I keep my head down, hiding my smile, but don't manage.

Instead, I use avoidance method number 2 and rush from the hall. Only stopping outside the Potions class, leaning against the wall, torn between laughing and catching my breath back.

It's not long until I am joined by a few classmates namely Pettigrew, Evans and Remus. Forgetting to be embarrassed I smile widely at them.

"That was brilliant."

To my surprise Evan smiles back, "that was reckless." Of course she only acts as if it wasn't funny.

"Yeah but funny!" Pettigrew pipes up.

Remus stays slightly further back than the rest, not meeting my eyes, but a small smile on his lips.

"Oh! I forgot!" I hold my hand out to Evans, "Sirius never introduced us, I'm Freya."

Evans laughs and shakes my hand, "we've been in the same potions class for 2 years, no need to be formal. But call me Lily."

I blush a bit, "oh yeah, right."

"Err, Potter and Sirius won't be in too much trouble on my account will they?"

Lily laughs again, "Nah, they're always in some mess. At least this time the victim kind of deserved it."

All three of us look at lily with raised eyebrows.

"Don't you guys look at me like that. I can't stand people who push people around and intimidate. What he did by controlling you, was merely the start of domestic abuse." She finishes by crossing her arms and huffing slightly.

I cover my mouth and hide a smile, without thinking I look to Remus, who meets my gaze and smiles shyly.

_Brain fuzziness… oh Merlin no…_

* * *

Never before has avoidance failed me. And by that I mean, it has always delayed the inevitable and made it ten times worse, but that's my choice.

Now however, avoidance might not be in my favour. I want to be his friend, but after that thing on Valentines or maybe before that, somewhere along the way my brain short circuited and now I think… maybe, there's a slight possibility…

_Circe, I can't even say it to myself._

I pace around my class room, the one near the owlry, middle of the night as usual.

Potions had been, interesting. I had sat near the back with the rest of the Gryffindor gang (Potter and Sirius arriving late, though looking pleased) and spent the lesson working with Remus, it was difficult. We both eased into something resembling our previous friendship, but there was a definite air of… of something.

My eyes dart over to the desk. The one by the window, which I just _had_ to sit on, that he just _had_ to help me down from…

With all that's going on, surely I can't be complicating it by actually… having… some feelings for him?

_Hades, the guy might even be a werewolf._

Well, that's a stupid thought; I can't use that as an excuse. I may be many negative things, a coward included, but I try not to be a hypocrite.

Sighing I slump into a seat.

I need a list of priorities.

First would be to speak to Severus, then Regulus, oh and write another letter. I've been so distracted by my own problems, I have been slacking. Sirius is on my list too, we still have a lot of work to do. Ah! Get to know Lily too, she seems semi normal, she can be my life line to, you know, feminine stuff. Seems like I need a lot of catching up in all that is… girly.

Hmm… I probably ought to start organising what I am going to do once this year is up. I cannot go home…

And lastly, talk to Remus about whatever happened. That is the very last thing that needs to happen. In fact, it might not need to happen at all. He seems content to ignore it, probably means it was an accident, and I am just crazy.

All right that's decided. I'm crazy and these things need to be ignored, since I have other more pressing matters. I certainly can't put Remus before my family.

I rest my elbows on the table and my face in my hands.

I obviously need another hobby; I have too much time to think.

"Ahhhh!" I scream and fall out of my chair as Sirius and Potter suddenly appear in front of me, laughing hard.

"You're so easy Fray." Potter laughs; I glare up at them from my ungracious seat on the floor.

Sirius reaches over and others me a hand up.

"So fray, what addles you mind this night." Sirius poses dramatically and I slump back in my seat.

I shake my head, "nothing, I'm just crazy."

"Coulda told you that for free fray." Potter smiles widely.

"Oh ha ha. What you guys doing around here anyway?" I offer them both a quizzical look.

They share a look, "what we do every night Fray." They answered at the same time.

"Trouble and mischief then. Oh! I forgot to thank you both for today!"

They both smile, "yeah well, no one messes with my friends and gets away with it." Sirius looks proud of himself.

"Awe isn't this sweet!" Potter reaches across and pinches Sirius' cheek.

Yeah I am definitely crazy. I am definitely complicating everything.

Things are obviously okay with Sirius now, we might have some reservations, and there might be bumps ahead, but how can I deny how far we've come.

And I am sure I can fix things with Severus with a long conversation.

Regulus will be more difficult naturally.

But, maybe I just complicate things. Maybe if I just let go, open up a little, things will fall into place. I am going to have to remember that I can't fix everything that the other party has to do some of the work too.

That's going to be far easier said than done.

At least now I'll have Sirius at my side and maybe the rest of the Gryffindor gang too.

* * *

**A/N: So... yeah I have absolutely no excuse for why it took so long to get this chapter out, not to mention its crap anyway. will prolly come back and revamp this whole story, in particular this chapter. anyway! i hope this will do for now, and sorry there wasnt too much remusy stuff. i just felt that... it was going way to quickly and it wouldnt be very Freya like if she took the bull by the horns. shes a slow changer our freya, she's too afraid of failing, she doesnt want to let anyone down or disappoint her self. its sad, but i think, alot of people are like that, theres alot of pressure on the youth of today to get things right the first time... anyway I am ranting! thankyou for reading this far~ love Penny xx**


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